I Need to Get These Off My Chest. Or I'll Explode.

by Suniverse

There are things that I love. There are things that I hate.  I know my last post was on things I hate that everyone loves, and this may seem in the same vein, but it's not.  This post is about things that make me very, very angry.  Anger and hate are totally different.  RIGHT?

That stupid emergency pull cord on the garage door opener that I hit EVERY SINGLE TIME I get out of the car.  Usually, I manage to avoid it getting into the car, but I can never quite figure out where it is when I get out.  And then flick. Right on my head.  I hate that thing.

Waiting for my top coat to dry when I do my nails. SO FRUSTRATING. What's even more anger-making? When I don't wait long enough and end up with smudges or bubbles or scrapes.  Grrrrrrr.

How excellent I am at procrastinating.  You'd think I'd be thrilled with myself for being so good at something.  I mean, I'm world class.  I'd be Olympic caliber, but I'm a pro and don't truck with amateurs. Which, actually, brings me to another thing that's anger inducing - the idiocy of having professional athletes play in the Olympics.  Seriously?  What part of AMATEUR ATHLETE do you not get?  And everybody's doing is is not an excuse.  You're better than that.

The inability of my body to regulate its temperature.  COME ON.  I cannot possibly be freezing and then 15 minutes later suddenly be able to melt ice cubes by standing near them.  That is just not right.  And it particularly makes me angry that it's always in that direction - freezing to core reactor meltdown.  Do you have any idea how hard it is to cool down?

What makes you angry? This list?

Standing Alone - And Being O.K. With It

by Suniverse

I know I'll probably lose a lot of people here and I'll come off as some kind of cranky old person [which I am, so whatever] but I can't handle hiding this anymore. Here is a list of things that people seem to love - TO LOVE! - that I cannot tolerate.  

The Office.  Seriously, that show is ridiculously bad.  IT IS NOT FUNNY. A single sidelong glance when someone is being a douche is funny.  A show built on the premise that that's all you have to do to bring the funny? Is lazy and un-funny.

As a subtopic - Steve Carrell.  Not funny on The Daily Show, not funny on The Office, not funny in The 40-Year Old Virgin or that execrable movie with Tina Fey.  In order to be deadpan funny, you have to be FUNNY.  CF: Leslie Neilsen.  You can't just mope around, idiot-like, shlumping in your every-day doofusness.  You need to be able to bring it. And he cannot.

As a further subtopic - Judd Apatow Movies. Just awful. Not funny, not smart, not "Oh, so true to life!" They are a masturbatory exercise by a guy who thinks I AM THEREFORE I AM FUNNY.  You. Are. Not.

Roasted Garlic. It tastes like burned feet. It ruins everything it touches.  Either use garlic, or don't, but stop making that awful, awful paste and slathering it on stuff.  It's not good.

What have you got, friends? Anyone left out?

Regional Foods That Make Me Never Wanna Leave My Favorite Places

I love food. It's just about the only thing out there that we can experience on a regular basis that engages all five senses ("What about smell?" you might ask, if you're a smart-mouth. To that I can only say, um, have you ever heard the hissing of a fajita and not loosed a few ounces of drool?), and it plucks the full suite of emotional nerves. Food is family, it's comfort and guilt and sadness and simplicity, it's birthdays and holidays and just plain ol' days. It's also just plain delicious.

One of my favorite aspects of food, though, is that it can tie you so strongly to a sense of place. Here are a few regional foods that I always carry with me:

Barbecue: I spent my youth in central coastal California, which -- little-known fact -- is the barbecue oasis in the grilled-meat wasteland of the Pacific states. In the little town where I grew up, tri-tip was the cut of choice, usually accompanied by an ear of sweet corn right from the grill, and none of this dry-rub stuff: we take our meat saucier than the secretary in a '60s film.

Sweet Potato Tacos: I'll be straight-up with you: when I lived in the Bay Area, sometimes I'd give myself a hangover just so I had an excuse to fully appreciate these little devils. Sweet potatoes! Caramelized onions! A slightly sweet, smoky salsa! They're candy in a tortilla.

Whoopie Pies: Some days these are the only thing keeping me in New England. Soft cakey cookies, sandwiching a hearty daub of frosting (preferably cream cheese frosting, for this dude). Um, why do people get so excited over mere cupcakes, when whoopie pies are an option?! And if you're asking yourself, "Wait, could those possibly get even better?!" Happy to inform you: YES! A little wiki sleuthing reveals they were originally called "hucklebucks". Did you -- did you just swoon a little from all the cute?!

Okay, my list is meager because I grew up in young upstart cities. Help me out, y'all! What are some regional foods you couldn't live without? The kookier, the better -- when I travel, the first (okay, okay, ONLY) thing I like to do is try the local cuisine. Give me a reason to visit every state on the map!

Posted by TKOG of Not That Kind of Girl.

And the Winner Is . . .

Honestly, I can't tell you how happy these photos have made me.  There's been constant giggling.

The runners up:

<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/lateenough/5520972193/" title="Even bears get cold by LateEnough, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm6.static.flickr.com/5058/5520972193_d65475e5cd.jpg" width="374" height="500" alt="Even bears get cold" /></a>
By LateEnough

<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/90972661@N00/5513586754/" title="Run Stork! by nonspleen, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm6.static.flickr.com/5058/5513586754_d10c21a467.jpg" width="334" height="500" alt="Run Stork!" /></a>
By nonspleen

And the winner:

<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/shesuggests/5521548732/

" title="mad scientist hair by shesuggests, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm6.static.flickr.com/5176/5521548732_889c9801e8_z.jpg" width="428" height="640" alt="mad scientist hair" /></a>
by SheSuggests
Oh, my WORD - look at that face!
Thanks so much for entering.

The next contest will be the first week in May with the theme: SPRINGTIME!

Because those fucking April showers are going to be good for something.

Pandora Features I Need To See, Like, Yesterday

Workin' a soul-crushing office job, 89-93% of the quality of my life is directly determined by Pandora's ability to discover a cheesy late-90s middle-school-dance song that I'd completely forgotten existed. A strategically placed boost of Tal Bachman's "She's So High" is the difference between chirping cheerily on the phone, or storming out for an "I QUIT!" coffee break. I -- I take my Pandora seriously. And, after much measured thought, here are a few features I think could make my life even better:

An "I need you never to play any version of this song again" button: Yeah, Pandora, it's not that I don't want to hear Jack Johnson's "Bubble Toes" -- I just want to hear it live.

Skip whole artist: I'm sorry, world, I'm just never going to like The Beatles. I do, however, apparently like George Harrison's solo work? (Don't tell Pandora, though. I finally got it to stop playing "Hard Day's Night".)

Commercials that won't make me sound like a pervert to my boss: Why do I have so many Trojan commercials advertised?!

"Great song but not for this station": When I get a song I love, I need to jump on it immediately, but it's led to some kind of weird situations. Like my current favorite '80s Pop Slash Middle School Dance Party Jamz. Clearly my love for Edwin McCain's "I'll Be" deserves its own station.

Toggle controls for objective song qualities: I know the whole point of Pandora is that we don't even know all the qualities that make us love a song, but there are a few things I'm sure of. I know I prefer: fast songs, male vocalists, and hilarious accents.
I guess what I'm really looking for is a station that plays The Proclaimers' "I Would Walk 500 Miles" on a permanent loop, broken only by the complete discography of Matchbox 20.
...no, seriously. What're you looking for?
Posted by TKOG of Not That Kind of Girl.

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