by Suniverse

There are things that I love. There are things that I hate.  I know my last post was on things I hate that everyone loves, and this may seem in the same vein, but it's not.  This post is about things that make me very, very angry.  Anger and hate are totally different.  RIGHT?

That stupid emergency pull cord on the garage door opener that I hit EVERY SINGLE TIME I get out of the car.  Usually, I manage to avoid it getting into the car, but I can never quite figure out where it is when I get out.  And then flick. Right on my head.  I hate that thing.

Waiting for my top coat to dry when I do my nails. SO FRUSTRATING. What's even more anger-making? When I don't wait long enough and end up with smudges or bubbles or scrapes.  Grrrrrrr.

How excellent I am at procrastinating.  You'd think I'd be thrilled with myself for being so good at something.  I mean, I'm world class.  I'd be Olympic caliber, but I'm a pro and don't truck with amateurs. Which, actually, brings me to another thing that's anger inducing - the idiocy of having professional athletes play in the Olympics.  Seriously?  What part of AMATEUR ATHLETE do you not get?  And everybody's doing is is not an excuse.  You're better than that.


The inability of my body to regulate its temperature.  COME ON.  I cannot possibly be freezing and then 15 minutes later suddenly be able to melt ice cubes by standing near them.  That is just not right.  And it particularly makes me angry that it's always in that direction - freezing to core reactor meltdown.  Do you have any idea how hard it is to cool down?

What makes you angry? This list?

by Suniverse

I know I'll probably lose a lot of people here and I'll come off as some kind of cranky old person [which I am, so whatever] but I can't handle hiding this anymore. Here is a list of things that people seem to love - TO LOVE! - that I cannot tolerate.  


The Office.  Seriously, that show is ridiculously bad.  IT IS NOT FUNNY. A single sidelong glance when someone is being a douche is funny.  A show built on the premise that that's all you have to do to bring the funny? Is lazy and un-funny.

As a subtopic - Steve Carrell.  Not funny on The Daily Show, not funny on The Office, not funny in The 40-Year Old Virgin or that execrable movie with Tina Fey.  In order to be deadpan funny, you have to be FUNNY.  CF: Leslie Neilsen.  You can't just mope around, idiot-like, shlumping in your every-day doofusness.  You need to be able to bring it. And he cannot.


As a further subtopic - Judd Apatow Movies. Just awful. Not funny, not smart, not "Oh, so true to life!" They are a masturbatory exercise by a guy who thinks I AM THEREFORE I AM FUNNY.  You. Are. Not.

Roasted Garlic. It tastes like burned feet. It ruins everything it touches.  Either use garlic, or don't, but stop making that awful, awful paste and slathering it on stuff.  It's not good.

What have you got, friends? Anyone left out?

Honestly, I can't tell you how happy these photos have made me.  There's been constant giggling.

The runners up:

<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/lateenough/5520972193/" title="Even bears get cold by LateEnough, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm6.static.flickr.com/5058/5520972193_d65475e5cd.jpg" width="374" height="500" alt="Even bears get cold" /></a>
By LateEnough

<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/90972661@N00/5513586754/" title="Run Stork! by nonspleen, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm6.static.flickr.com/5058/5513586754_d10c21a467.jpg" width="334" height="500" alt="Run Stork!" /></a>
By nonspleen

And the winner:

<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/shesuggests/5521548732/

Workin' a soul-crushing office job, 89-93% of the quality of my life is directly determined by Pandora's ability to discover a cheesy late-90s middle-school-dance song that I'd completely forgotten existed. A strategically placed boost of Tal Bachman's "She's So High" is the difference between chirping cheerily on the phone, or storming out for an "I QUIT!" coffee break. I -- I take my Pandora seriously. And, after much measured thought, here are a few features I think could make my life even better:

You know how you're always trying to make yourself a more grown-up type person?  By you, I mean me, but really, if people in general would just follow my rules, I think everyone would be happy.  Wait, that's a whole different issue..

Anyway, there are things about myself that I think I need to start doing so that I can feel like a grown-up, but I just can't seem to get myself there.  Maybe one day I'll be able to:

Fill up the washer fluid in my car.  I love to use it to clean my windshield, but when the car tells me it's low, I stop using it until I get my oil changed and someone else can take care of that.  Or the husband does it.  I'm sure I could, theoretically, take care of this, but really? It's pretty dirty and I already wash my hands enough.

Open a credit card bill without wincing.  This is not because I am a profligate spender, but rather because during an extended period of unemployment, we ended up charging things like food and gas.  Still, I would love to be in a position where I can be a big girl and open the bill and not lose my cool.  Maybe that's less being a grown-up than it is being completely apathetic.  Hmmm.

Actually taking care of the back corner of the yard. Which has become a complete jungle.  Seriously.  Woodland creatures are scampering around in there.  I know it wouldn't take too long to get it taken care of, but I feel like someone else is responsible.  Some grown-up who is better skilled at getting in and doing what needs to be done.  I wonder what my mom is doing?

Confess, friends, what would make you feel like a grown-up?

by Suniverse

Sadako is a twenty-something New York City denizen. She enjoys children and YA lit, making fun of bad movies, and blogging at Dibbly Fresh.

Sometimes I think I'd be better off hoofing it.  Instead, because I live in the suburbs and work in other suburbs and mine is a major metropolitan area WITHOUT any reliable mass transit, I have a car.  I already hate driving, but driving in winter?  Oh, honey, no.  Here's what gets me:

Washing the car.  In that it's a dance that exhausts me.  It obviously needs it, since my normally dark blue car is now a nice salty white, marking my clothes anytime I lean into the trunk to get groceries or brush up against the door trying to get in.  But I can't wash it when it's going to snow, because then it'll just get covered in snow and instantly dirty.  I can't wash it when it's too cold, because the locks and doors may freeze.  I can't wash it ever, it seems like, because winter days are always one of those things.

The expectation that since you can drive, it's o.k. to drive in major snow.  You know what?  It's not.  Not even a little bit.  Laugh all you will at those southern cities who shut down at 2 inches of snow, but I think they have they right idea.  We'd all be better off staying home when it snows even a little instead of trying to deal with idiot drivers who think that since they have an SUV, they are quite capable of driving the actual 45mph speed limit in 5 inches of snow.  You're not.   I mean, sure you can drive in 5 inches of snow.  You just can't stop in 5 inches of snow. Which you'll find out when you try and brake.  Good luck with that.

Pumping gas.  This just sucks ass no matter the weather, but in winter?  Oh, lord.  There's the decision of whether to do it now, or wait in the hopes that the temps will bust out of the single digits.  There's the further decision of whether to wear your gloves while you do it and risk getting gasoline all over them or take them off and have gas get on your hands.  And please don't get me started on the aggravation of the stupid receipt machine running out of paper and you having to troop through dirty slush to the station to get your receipt.  Or just leaving without it and telling the husband that you lost it.

Do you drive in winter?  What sucks about it?

by Suniverse

Every morning, without fail, I eat oatmeal for breakfast.  Oatmeal, no sugar, a little cinnamon, some raisins and a splash of milk.  That's it.  Every day.  I feel healthier, sure, but I start daydreaming sometimes about what I would eat if I was out of the oatmeal ghetto.  Here are some of my favorite cold-weather breakfast foods.


Belgian Waffle.  Oh, my.  My, oh, my.  I love those fluffy, crispy, whipped cream topped, syrup laden little nooks and crannies.  I like to make sure each little square has its own shallow pool of syrup before I eat, but I'm careful to only pour a little syrup at a time, because I don't want it to get too soggy. Not a fan of the fruit topping, though.  That seems overkill.

Pancakes.  I like them cooked in butter on a sizzling grill.  I like the thinner, larger ones, not the little silver dollar ones. These need to be plain, with the syrup on the side, so I can dunk each bite.  I almost have to say that for pancakes, I like the fake maple syrup better than the pure maple syrup.  I think because it's thicker and heavier and gooier.  No whipped cream on these.  Fruit . . . nah.

French Toast.  Again, must be crisp. I don't like them dipped too long in the egg mixture - just a quick drag through and into the buttery frying pan.  I like these with a bit of powdered sugar and real maple syrup on the side.  And if they're made from a baguette?  All the better.

O.k., friends, what's your favorite breakfast food?

by Suniverse

Sadako is a twenty-something New York City denizen. She enjoys children and YA lit, making fun of bad movies, and blogging at Dibbly Fresh.

Movie quotes are everywhere. And these days, if they're popular, they don't just become part of a yearbook page: they become memes. Here are some great quotes that have already become memes and some that need to.

"Veggiesaurus, Lex! Veggiesaurus!" Jurassic Park

Jurassic Park has created its share of memes--"Clever girl" and Newman squealing at shaving cream come to mind. But the above meme has to happen. The meatless diet reigns supreme among hipsters. And admit it: the 5 year old inside of you still loves any dinosaur mention.

"Four for you, Glen Coco. You go, Glen Coco." Mean Girls

So many people get their inspiration from baby names. Think of the little girls named Madison from Splash and the fact that many kids may be named Max from Where the Wild Things Are. To counteract these rather dull names, I personally hope that Glen Coco gets some recognition.

"I'm six five, I weigh 220 pounds, and there are two of me." The Social Network

This one works on so many levels. It has to become the new You're the man now, dog! (And not just because I love using the term "Winklevi so much. Well, OK, partly.)

"Does versatile mean full of eggs?" Charlotte's Web

Oh, Wilbur, I know what it's like to be small, pink, clingy, and behind on my SAT vocab prep. I personally advise using this quote when you want to pretend that, dude, you totally knew that nonplussed meant confused, but you were just pretending you didn't. It's not as well known as some of the others, but for those of us confused by big words, it needs to happen.

"Can you just hold on for a second, I'm on my hamburger phone." Juno

Yes, Juno could get tiresome. And yeah, I think the hamburger phone gag is too twee for words. But something needs to replace the quacking duck phone that Snooki and JWoww are so partial to.

What other movie quotes need to make the transition into memes?

My college experience was a little different than most. For starters, I went to a very, very conservative Baptist college where kids got kicked out for drinking and fornicating (not necessarily in the same offense). I also was married by the time I started my Senior year. BUT, I still learned a few life lessons. You know, because that's what you're supposed to do in college.

1. Think about it--No really, think about it. Think about everything you've ever been taught, throw it out the window, start from the beginning and re-think it through. Stop taking everything for granted. Question everything. Yes, it'll get you into trouble, and yes, it may mean that you break ties with people and ideas, but it's awesome.

2.  Trying new things should be a way of life--So maybe I didn't get much of a chance to try a naked keg-stand for the first time, but improv? Strolling around NYC without an agenda? Tasting weird local delicacies? Yes, yes, and yes.

3.  Sometimes the most relaxing thing in the world is a blanket, warm sun, the quad, and the (sights and) sounds of boys on guitars--No explanation needed.

4. The coolest teachers will force you to grow beyond the subject matter--Whether it's your college professor, your boss, or a mentor, the best teachers will ask you to read the book, then challenge you to reach beyond the words and think, "How will I be different knowing what I know now?"

5.  That back boiler room window? Perfect for late night returns/escapes--Er, I meant to say...always have a backup plan.

What did you learn in college that didn't come from a textbook?

Posted by The Naked Redhead

I come from an immigrant family and am used to listening to people with sometimes unintelligibly heavy accents.  I also grew up in a city with a very diverse population and have lived in different parts of this country and have traveled abroad, so I am absolutely the person who gets to decide which accent is the best and which is the most annoying.

Scottish brogue.  Good lord, my knees are weak and my panties are already around my ankles.  There is little someone with a Scottish brogue can't get from me.  The timbre, the lilt . . . yum.


British educated Indian.  I LOVE this accent because it sounds very snooty but also has a great slant to it that keeps it from being so very, very white.  And colonial.

New Jersey.  Yeesh.  My ears. Just write it down or text me, o.k.?

Teenagers.  Yes, they have an accent.  It's the same no matter where they are from - annoying.

What accent makes your knees weak?  Which one has you stuffing your ears with cotton?

by Suniverse

No need for an explanation. Let's get started, shall we?

1. Insecurity is a disease--We all have our little insecurities...our hang-ups, our neuroses, our things we feel like we just can't get past. Insecurity, however, prevents us from getting the jobs we want, the love we want, the sex we want, the life we want. Insecurity (which, in reality, is just your Inner Critic) will keep a powerful and amazing individual weak and small. I've seen it happen to others, and I know it's happened to me. Insecurity causes people to self-protect, sometimes in somewhat harmless ways (e.g. self-deprecating humor) but sometimes in harmful ways, too (e.g. malicious gossip, withdrawal, abuse). Beware of insecurity in yourself and others.
2. Everyone appreciates small kindnesses. Everyone.--Throw in a word of (genuine) praise into your latest e-mail, hold the door, pick up the pen that stranger dropped. Kindness paves in-roads to connection. And connection, ultimately, makes us matter.
3.  If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck...it's a duck--Trust your instincts. If a person says one thing, but consistently does another, well...it's most likely that the actions are truer than the words. Quack, quack.
4.  Passive-aggression is still aggression--Passive-aggression might be clothed in the sweetness of a backhanded compliment, a veiled threat, or suggested situation, but it's still aggression. Being stabbed with a velvet handled knife is still, er, stabbery. Do not engage.

5.  People will always surprise you--We already know that people will surprise us with the depth of their badness (one only needs to check the news every so often for confirmation of this fact) but in my thirty-some years, I've learned to love when people surprise me with the depths of their kindness, charitableness, forgiveness, and generosity. I love those moments of surprise. Love them.

What have you learned about people?
Posted by The Naked Redhead

Remember that stand-up comic character on SNL whose punchline was: "Don't get me started. Don't EVEN get me started"? Well, if you're ever inviting me to a dinner party, here's a handy primer of topics to blacklist, lest the table erupt in a volley of "You shouldn't have gotten her started. You shouldn't have EVEN gotten her started."

Overuse of the word "nerd": So let me get this straight -- I suffered years of psychologically abusive bullying as a kid, and now everyone wants to be a nerd? Hey y'all. Just because you like to knit or you've read the Harry Potter books five times doesn't mean you're a nerd. Talk to me when you've hosted your first couples-only LAN party.

Claiming that waitresses should earn tips instead of expecting them: Look, if you can't afford 18% added to the bill, then you can't afford the meal. Period. If they go above and beyond, feel free to tip more, but unless your waitstaff ruins your life or your pants, they still need that 15% to pay their rent. Express your displeasure with a note to their manager.

People leaving their trash in movie theatres after the show: Why is this the cultural norm? Come on, dudes. Which is easier: one hundred people each picking up one thing? Or a pimply-faced teenager whose life is already hard enough being given twenty minutes to round up a metric ton of melted Milk Duds?

Twenty-somethings who want to write memoirs: Congratulations. Literature is becoming reality television, and you want to be Snooki.

Jon Stewart's stint as an Oscars host: What do all the great hosts have in common? Say it with me now: stand-up pedigree. Jon Stewart's a hilarious guy, but he is in essence a television writer; after a decade of only performing to synchophantic Daily Show fanatics, he just didn't have the experience to handle it when jokes bombed. I -- I can't even keep talking about this. It makes me too angry.

Oh look, I got started anyway. What topics do you have to be physically restrained from going on about?

Posted by TKOG from Not That Kind of Girl.

 No, I'm not talking about skiing or skating or ice fishing [what the ?? who does that?].  I like my winter activities to take place in a comfortable climate.  This means indoors, where the temperature will not descend into the single or NEGATIVE digits.  What shall we do indoors?


Watch t.v.  There are a ton of new episodes of your favorite shows coming out this month.  Why not do yourself a favor and instead of spending time digging your car out from under a ridiculous number of inches of snow to go to a movie theater that is just chock full of annoying people breathing their disgusting germs all over you, just sit back with a bowl of popcorn and enjoy mindless entertainment.  There is a far less risk of a heart attack watching t.v. than there is shoveling snow.  Just ask the CDC.

Read.  Nothing weighty or intelligent.  I am a firm believer that the cold winter months are depressing enough without having to wade through someone else's misery.  Leave that for the fall and spring, when it's still nice enough to go outside and enjoy life after reading about the horrors that people visit upon each other.  I'm talking about the literary equivalent of a soap opera.  It'll do you good.

Eat.  The best part of winter? SOUPS.  Yummy, yummy, delicious soups.  Soups that are thick and hearty and if you're feeling up to it, soups you can make!  It's like crafting or scrapbooking, except instead of a pile of pictures nobody wants to look at, you've got a big bowl of creamy goodness that's going to warm you inside and out.

What do you like to do in the winter? 

by Suniverse

I love myself.  I do.  And when I have been having a tough week, I like to take care of myself.  Because if I don't, who will?  These are a few of my favorite things to do for myself.  Or have someone do for me:

A Massage.  I am in general not a fan of having strange people touch me, BUT.  I love getting a massage. I love having a nice, quiet space to just be.  I love having someone expertly press on that ridiculous knot in my back that I swear that evil work chair has given me.  I love that I don't have to do ANYTHING except turn over.  I even love the plinky relaxation music, which normally would have me punching the scan button on my radio.

Doing My Nails.  Plain nails are a sign that I've been neglecting myself.  I love vibrant nails.  There are so many options for color and even texture [matte nail polish, glitter nail polish, suede nail polish, good old glossy nail polish] that I'm almost stymied by my choices.  But every Sunday night, I sit down and watch something vapid and do my nails.  And then I'm stuck there until they dry - unable to do the dishes or pick up laundry.  Damn.  I am NOT a fan of someone else doing my nails, because I can't stand the smell of that stuff, and if I want someone to touch me for that long, I'd rather be having a massage.

Reading a Book.  I love books.  LOVE them.  And my biggest treat is getting a new book.  It doesn't have to be something erudite or educational or uplifting.  It can be trashy and silly.  But a new book always puts me in a great mood.  Plus, I don't have to worry that someone borrowed the book from the library and read it on the toilet.  Gross.

Those are the things that I do to treat myself.  What do you do?

Posted by Suniverse.

 There are two times of the year that I crave the new -  more than I usually do at other times of the year.  One is the New Year, because duh.  The other is when school starts in September.  I think this may be because I am a sucker for school supplies, but also because there is that possibility of becoming what you want, taking a new direction.  I'm done with school [way done], but I still get kind of daydreamy about starting a new career. Here's what I'd be if I had the option:

Architect.  I am no mathematical or spatial genius [I continue to bump into walls and doorways that have existed in their present places ALL MY LIFE], but I love the idea of creating a space.  Particularly when I am faced with the ridiculous lack of closets and odd floorplans in real life homes.

Meteorologist.  Growing up, I had no idea this was a real thing, but if only I had!  I love the weather.  Love it.  I could watch The Weather Channel for HOURS and I know which weather person on which local channel will give me the straight dope on what's coming our way.  To be part of that magic?  I want in.


Dictator.  Benevolent, to be sure, but I would be awesome with unlimited power.  Trains would run on time.  Trash would be picked up.  I'd have a palace.  Sure, there would be uprisings and intrigue and probable assassination, but I think it might be worth the trade off of having EVERYONE and EVERYTHING at my beck and call.

Thinking of a new career?  Which one?

Posted by Suniverse.

Sadako is a twenty-something New York City denizen. She enjoys children and YA lit, making fun of bad movies, and blogging at Dibbly Fresh.

You guys know about Manic Pixie Dream Girls, right? The quirky, lovable, free spirits who exist to inspire bourgeois stuffed shirts or neurotic layabouts, while not entertaining an inner life beyond what color they'll next dye their bangs.

I myself could never be a MPDG, what with the whole not being fictional and having a life of my own. But even if I were fictional, there are a few things keeping me from MPDG status.

Flowers. The MPDG is the kind of whimsical, fun loving girl who will pick a flower and put it behind her hair, just 'cause. I'm the kind of neurotic, uptight person who will look at said flower, wonder if it has an earwig in it and if at the top of today's menu is eardrum surprise.

Hair. The requisite hairdo for a MPDG is long hair with bangs. Though the average MPDG probably trims her own bangs and still manages to look fly, somehow, I know I'd wind up looking less whimsical and more like an anorexic sheepdog.

Hoodies. I've got a serious lack of hoodies. Per Clementine in Eternal Sunshine and Sam in Garden State, you need one if you want to be an MPDG: nothing says I've whimsical but still hot enough to wear something that disguises my feminine shape like a hoodie.

Garish color sense. MPDGs don't need to be aware of color wheels. They make their own color wheels! But alas, my Project Runway and What Not to Wear-a-thons have made me wary of even pairing black eyeliner with anything brighter than peach lipgloss.

Promiscuity. You've also got to be willing to sleep with people in order to get them to like you (see Clementine) or just be willing to make out with a guy by the copiers to make sure the moment doesn't get too dull (Summer). My Adrian Monk esque fear of strangers precludes this, naturally.

Why would you make a poor Manic Pixie Dream Girl?

For someone of my thorny disposition and proclivity for searing infatuation, I have surprisingly little break-up experience. Which is a shame, because if I had enough material to make a break-up movie, it would have a kickass soundtrack. Shall we?

Okay, I haven't actually broken up with a guy to watch Woody Allen movies but, fun fact, I did once start dating a guy with the intention of breaking up with him that way. Then spent the entire break-up blasting Postal Service. What're your favorite break-up tunes?

Posted by TKOG from Not That Kind of Girl.