Things I'd Like to Say to People but Probably Can't (or Definitely Shouldn't)

You know what I kinda despise?  The old practice of having to say hello to co-workers you barely know as they approach you on their way to somewhere else.  And then you have to TIME the hello, because you don't want to say it too early (which may prompt small talk) or too late (which makes you seem awkward or rude).  What I'd really like to say is:  NOTHING.  Or maybe pretend I saw a pretty bird or something.  Here are a few other things I'd like to be able to say, but probably can't (or definitely shouldn't):

1.  "I haven't had my coffee yet"--Much like that dude in the McDonald's commercial, I would like to use this line on chipper morning people until at least 11 a.m. in the morning.  In an ideal world, they'd immediately say, "Oh!  I'm so sorry!  That must be terrible!  I'll come back later." and then they'd tiptoe away quietly.  Siggghhh....
2.  "You are a nasty, nasty child, and I dislike you very much"--Um, apparently, people don't like when you say these kinds of things to their children, even if those children are screaming bloody murder, hitting or biting their parents and siblings, or giving you a dirty look for no reason.  And, honestly, I could somewhat forgive a child's bad behavior in a grocery store, but NOT in a coffee shop or library, where it's supposed to be quiet.  YES, I'M AN OLD HAG-CURMUDGEON THING.  I haven't had my coffee yet.
3.  "You look ridiculous"--There are some people that can carry off crazy hair and make-up and over-the-top trends with ease.  Usually, these people are in the habit of changing their look regularly, and they have a sense of who they are.  It's the people that try trends and miss the mark that make me roll my eyes so far into the back of my head I can see my brain stem.  Those are TIGHTS, not LEGGINGS you're wearing.  You are PANTSLESS. 

OK, spill!  What are some things YOU'D like to say but probably can't (or definitely shouldn't)?


Svastik said...

I am what most would call "definitely not a people person", so I basically have a dictionary of phrases I'd love to utter, but social conventions keep my lips tightly sealed. Selections:

1."I dislike you profoundly and I wish you stopped wasting my time." I generally avoid saying this and act like a total arse until the intruder leaves.

2."I don't know who you are and I wish you stopped thinking of me as your friend." Usually happened during high school with people that didn't know me well enough to assess what a big jerk I really was (still am) and insisted on asking me inane questions in the hallway.

3."You know what the beauty of being old is? That you don't have to do your errands at eight in the morning when I'm going to school and people go to work. Buses & trams are crowded enough without you." I know, I know, it's horrible, but I still maintain that old people should be forbidden to ride the bus at peak hours..

The Naked Redhead said...

Hahaha, nice. Stupid social conventions!

That Kind Of Girl said...

I work as a receptionist in an office in which many of the people who come in are from different cultures, need to communicate important things with an extremely limited grasp of the English language, have been living on the street, and/or suffer from mental illness or drug addiction. For some reason, many of these factors lead to people physically touching me or touching the things on my desk.

Considering I'm so anti-touch that I shudder when acquaintances hug me, this is obviously just about the biggest problem in the world. I always want to tell them: "Don't touch me! Don't stand so close to me! Don't touch things that aren't yours!" However, doing this would not only make me seem like the biggest bigot of all time (instead of the charmingly OCD Purell-chugging freak I am) but would definitely make my interactions all the more unpleasant.

Mitzy said...

My best friend coined this phrase when we were in high school and I always will associate it with her -

Try to imagine how little I care.

I want to say that abt a million times a day.

Dani said...

First of all, I would love so much to be able to say all of those things from your list. Maybe it makes me an ass, but I would love to be able to say "That statement is factually incorrect. I know you are wrong and the more you try to convince me you are right, the lower my opinion of you is getting." and "If you are not ready to efficiently check out please get out of line and organize yourself elsewhere."

That Kind Of Girl said...

@Dani: You know, some months ago I just snapped and started telling people: "Factually inaccurate." or "Disagree!" Don't even work it into a full sentence. Amazingly stress relieving. And maybe it's just because I'm an endearingly rude person anyway (heh), or because I keep my tone light, but no one's really reacted badly to it. So if you want to try it, I say why not try it?

Anonymous said...

When people are talking just to hear themselves I just want to say: I don't care and no one else does either. Go back to your desk and work.

The Naked Redhead said...

Instead of saying "disagree," maybe try a loud "EHHHHHHHH!" like a game show buzzer. Sometimes that's fun. :)

RMb said...

haha, this post is great. i'm not a confrontational person at all, but there have been moments when i've wanted to scream a simple "fuck off" and have done with it. :)

Mandi said...

haha.."You are pantsless". I have seen that a few times and I always get so embarrassed for the person.

I constantly want to tell people they are stupid. Instead of arguing obvious points or listening to a babbling diatribe I just want to say "You're stupid" and walk away.

I also constantly want to tell people to shut up. I absolutely despise when people speak just to hear their own voice. I just want to say "shut up" and walk away.

Oh and I've always wanted to make one of those signs like the Wile E. Coyote uses, that simply says STFU on it, and then hold it up at opportune moments.

Melanie's Randomness said...

I've actually told a friend who tried on this horrific dress you looked terrible. At first she was mad at me but then she realized I was right!

I'd love to tell my bosses to seriously "GROW UP!!" they are really children sometimes!

Katie O'B said...

1. "That is a shirt" I am so incredibly tired of seeing girls asses out in public. The current trend of wearing tight little shirts as dresses is neither attractive or appropriate- no matter your size, age, etc.

2. "Your child acts the way they do because of your lack of parenting skills" or even better "be your child's parent and not their friend" I have many students who are incredibly disrespectful to any form of authority because they have never been taught how to behave.

Anonymous said...

I'm not sure why you can't say you haven't had your coffee yet.

If I can manage to say that over growling - which is my custom on such an occassion - I feel I've been extraodinarily kind.

See Elle Oh said...

"(Please) get over yourself." — Whispered to people who have loud cell phone conversations on public transportation. Posted on the FB walls of people who keep adding to the dozens of cell phone camera pics of themselves, looking "fierce" or "sexy" in front of the mirror.

Or, just "Nah-unh! No."

Jane Tinkle said...

The thing I like in going to the dentist is the part where I gargle the water to rinse the fluoride. Meanwhile, the thing that has always been my quirk is the overhead light while you're sitting on the dentist chair. It looks like I'm always being interrogated.

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