My college experience was a little different than most. For starters, I went to a very, very conservative Baptist college where kids got kicked out for drinking and fornicating (not necessarily in the same offense). I also was married by the time I started my Senior year. BUT, I still learned a few life lessons. You know, because that's what you're supposed to do in college.

1. Think about it--No really, think about it. Think about everything you've ever been taught, throw it out the window, start from the beginning and re-think it through. Stop taking everything for granted. Question everything. Yes, it'll get you into trouble, and yes, it may mean that you break ties with people and ideas, but it's awesome.

2.  Trying new things should be a way of life--So maybe I didn't get much of a chance to try a naked keg-stand for the first time, but improv? Strolling around NYC without an agenda? Tasting weird local delicacies? Yes, yes, and yes.

3.  Sometimes the most relaxing thing in the world is a blanket, warm sun, the quad, and the (sights and) sounds of boys on guitars--No explanation needed.

4. The coolest teachers will force you to grow beyond the subject matter--Whether it's your college professor, your boss, or a mentor, the best teachers will ask you to read the book, then challenge you to reach beyond the words and think, "How will I be different knowing what I know now?"

5.  That back boiler room window? Perfect for late night returns/escapes--Er, I meant to say...always have a backup plan.

What did you learn in college that didn't come from a textbook?

Posted by The Naked Redhead

No need for an explanation. Let's get started, shall we?

1. Insecurity is a disease--We all have our little insecurities...our hang-ups, our neuroses, our things we feel like we just can't get past. Insecurity, however, prevents us from getting the jobs we want, the love we want, the sex we want, the life we want. Insecurity (which, in reality, is just your Inner Critic) will keep a powerful and amazing individual weak and small. I've seen it happen to others, and I know it's happened to me. Insecurity causes people to self-protect, sometimes in somewhat harmless ways (e.g. self-deprecating humor) but sometimes in harmful ways, too (e.g. malicious gossip, withdrawal, abuse). Beware of insecurity in yourself and others.
2. Everyone appreciates small kindnesses. Everyone.--Throw in a word of (genuine) praise into your latest e-mail, hold the door, pick up the pen that stranger dropped. Kindness paves in-roads to connection. And connection, ultimately, makes us matter.
3.  If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck...it's a duck--Trust your instincts. If a person says one thing, but consistently does another, well...it's most likely that the actions are truer than the words. Quack, quack.
4.  Passive-aggression is still aggression--Passive-aggression might be clothed in the sweetness of a backhanded compliment, a veiled threat, or suggested situation, but it's still aggression. Being stabbed with a velvet handled knife is still, er, stabbery. Do not engage.

5.  People will always surprise you--We already know that people will surprise us with the depth of their badness (one only needs to check the news every so often for confirmation of this fact) but in my thirty-some years, I've learned to love when people surprise me with the depths of their kindness, charitableness, forgiveness, and generosity. I love those moments of surprise. Love them.

What have you learned about people?
Posted by The Naked Redhead

Posted by The Naked Redhead

If you read my blog, you’ll know I wrote yesterday that my family isn’t big into Christmas, and it’s not something we celebrate much this time of year. I’m not trying to be a Grinch or whatever, that’s just kind of the way it is (honestly, we usually do some sort of celebration in January or February...so we celebrate, just not right ON Christmas). But just because I don’t put out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve, it doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy some of the perks that come with the holiday season. For instance:

1. Christmas Ales and Drinks—I will drink ANY Christmas Ale. I will drink just about ANY Christmas-y type drink (‘cept Egg Nog, which is naaaasssttty). I love all the spices and flavors. Yum.

2. Sights, Scents and Sounds—Seriously? I could shove some nutmeg up my nose and die a happy woman. I love pretty lights. And of course, I do enjoy a little jazzy holiday music ‘round this time of year.

3. Good Sales and Deals—Now of course we all know the BEST deals come after January 1, but the deals on, well, STUFF this time of year are pretty fantastic. And since I don’t have to feel bad about buying for myself this time of year, I don’t. And I always get a pretty good bang for my buck.

4. Silly Movies—Why “Love Actually” is still watchable after the 15th time, I’ll never know. Same with “The Family Stone”, “The Grinch”, and of course, “Rudolph.”

5. Friends, Family and Giving—I do feel that most people are pretty good at checking in with the ones they love most this time of year. I love sitting with friends over some drinks, playing board games with my nieces and nephews, and even seeing people get together to give love to local charities.  I’m currently working on a kick-ass project with some of the coolest chicks in Columbus, OH, and all for charity (can’t wait to tell you all about it!). I don’t think it would have come together this fast any other time of year.

What about you? Why do you love the holiday season?

Love, TNR

Oh Facebook friend, my cherished Facebook friend, allow me to be frank: I have accepted your friendship for any one of a number of good reasons. Maybe I need your address for Christmas cards, maybe I want to stalk your wedding photos, maybe I just think you're a doll. That said, I did not friend you on Facebook to learn more about you. Which is probably a good thing, because 99% of profiles on the site irritate this exceedingly cantankerous old lady. Let's break down the offenders by profile zone.

Interests:

1. Claiming an "interest" you've clearly done only once. Really, you'd call "Making ninja swords out of pickle-bottles and claiming dominion over a sewer grate" an overarching life interest? Really?!
2. Including activities that are necessary for human life. Everyone likes sleeping, buddy, but most of us have enough other hobbies that we can fill our facebook profile with things we do while we're conscious.
3. Listing two or more forms of exercise. There's nothing actually wrong with this, per se, but look, dude, you and I have nothing to say to each other.

Favorite Quotations: Man, that little gem by your high school AP calc teacher gets wittier every year since gradu--oh, waaaaitaminute.

Music: If you're listing more than thirty bands and they're all in alphabetical order, dude, we all know you just opened up iTunes and listed every single bands you've ever downloaded a demo of on Napster. Come on, dude, if you want people to define you by your taste in music, at least give us a short enough list to actually read through.

Books: Six words: "I'm more of a magazine person." And the lord preserve the tattered fragments of your soul if I see you've listed Cosmo as a book.

Television: Tread carefully, kittens. And when in doubt about whether to include a guilty pleasure, for the love of pete, lie.

Yes, it is the first of the month and I am very grumpy. A feeling I'm going to work through by printing out my frenemies' Facebook profiles and marking them up with a red pen. What fbook profile foibles make your eyes bleed?

Posted by TKOG from Not That Kind of Girl.

Who here LIKES going to the dentist?  Hm, hm?  Anyone?  I used to like it, until I had to manage a dental office, and now the places just skeeve me out and mostly remind me of a few of the worst years of my life.  So imagine how I felt when I had to go to the dentist recently and:

1. I had to call the office THREE TIMES before I reached someone, because apparently no one answers the phone at "lunch time"...which appears to fall between the hours of 11:30 and 2.

2.  I made sure to specifically ask the office to schedule a longer appointment for me and...

3.  I arrive at my appointment only to find they've not only NOT scheduled me for the allotted time, but the dentist also cannot complete all the work in one day.

4.  The work I was having done is cosmetic and doesn't really work so well with the "let's do it in two stages thing," since, you know, "cosmetic" generally means we're taking the teeth from looking one way to looking another.  So if you do it in "stages" that means some teeth look shitty and other teeth look BLINDINGLY WHITE OH MY GOD THE JESUS AND THE RAPTURE.

5.  The office manager got snippy when I asked if there were any cancellations and if I could please, PLEASE come in for the doctor to finish the rest of the work since, oh, you know, I work with people all day and my teeth currently look like a row of summer corn.  It's my FACE, not a CAR.  You can't just wait for the "right parts" to come in.

Ahem.  Anyway. 

What do you/don't you like about the dentist?

Posted by The Naked Redhead

Ever been in conversation with someone when suddenly, you're like, "Yeahhh...I can't take this person seriously anymore?"  It's happened to me, and here's usually why:

1.  You're wearing sunglasses.  We're inside.  It's 11 pm.--Sunglasses are for, well, the sun.  While they've become a status symbol of "cool" they're still not meant to be worn indoors.  Unless you're a rockstar, check 'em at the door.

2.  Your pants are tighter than mine.  You're male.--Dudes?  Some of you are super hot, and yes, I've maybe fantasized about what you'd look like with no clothing...but the super skinny jeans?  Those are for ladies, and that's not how I want to see your junk.

3.  When given the choice between chain food and lovely little local shop, you choose chain food.  Every time.--Look, I get that we all have our little addictions when it comes to fast food, but going to the fast food Mexican place, and then bringing that food into a REAL Mexican restaurant (yes, I've seen it)?  Blerg.

4.  You're retiring.  Again.--I'm looking at you, certain athletes and movie stars.  You know who you are.

 What are some reasons you can't take others seriously?
Posted by The Naked Redhead

There are things you like in life. There are things you love. And then there are things -- just little things -- that turn this often punishing world into an endless carnival of delight. Here are a few of mine:

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I'm pretty much addicted to listening to Pandora at work.  Here are the stations that get me through the day:


My Ingrid Michaelson station--Soothing lady voices singing clever lyrics with beautiful piano, acoustic guitar and tight harmonies?  Yes, please.

My Bitter:Sweet station--A little trip-hop, a little jazzy, just the right combo of fast/slow to power through a boring spreadsheet.

My Heart station--80's ladies ROCK!

My Adele station--A little bit like my Ingrid Michaelson station, but with more soul and a little funk.

My Julie London station--Kick-ass lady jazz singers from the past.  Best listened to on days when I wear red lipstick to work.

What are your favorite Pandora stations?  Do you have "must-listen-to" music for work?

Posted by The Naked Redhead

Oh, you think I'm being a tad extreme? Funny. I think capital punishment is a bit of a light touch for the following jerkwad bus behaviors:

Swiveling your legs into the aisle instead of getting out properly to let me into the window seat. Because, yes, by a perfect coincidence, my body is exactly six inches wide, so of course I'm in no way self-conscious about scrubbing your entire torso with the back of my skirt while I wriggle between the seats.

Taking up a handicapped spot then spending the ride texting frantically so you don't have to catch eyes with standing passengers who actually need those seats. Who're you texting, kiddo? Your probation officer?

Selecting a new ringtone. I'm super glad you popped for the 32gig iPhone. And have listened to every single one of your three thousand songs out loud. Twice.

Making loud, passive-aggressive comments when it takes the bus driver several minutes to help a passenger with a wheelchair on and off the bus. Seriously, dude?! If the slight hold-up bothers you that much, why don't you just get off and walk? At least you have the option.

Back-of-bus denial. Yeah, nobody likes being forced to stand in the aisle on a crowded morning bus, but for some people, apparently making the two steps up to the back of the bus is a whole new level of torment. This generally results in the front half of the bus being packed like a Green Day mosh pit circa 1995. And the back of the bus as empty as ... well, a Green Day mosh pit circa 2010.

Sticking a wet umbrella on the seat next to you to discourage potential seatmates. I -- I just don't like you, dude.

Then again, maybe it's best we keep these people on buses. Goodness only knows what havoc they'd wreak on the freeway. What jerkwad communter behavior makes you want to call a cab?

Posted by TKOG of Not That Kind Of Girl.

I'm not saying I'm as unsexed as Lady Macbeth, but somewhere between my proclivity for men's shoes and obsession with all things Bond (comma James Bond, baby), I'm not exactly the pretty-princess type. Still, there are few feelings quite as lovely as -- every once in a while, between Godfather marathons -- feeling divinely feminine. Some of my favorite girly-girl moments:

Getting dressed for a social occasion: Cheesy as it sounds, before going out, I like to blast a little Peggy Lee (a la the inimitable Cher in "Mermaids") and sing along while watching my face blossom in cinematic slow motion to something just a little fantastic. Though, girliness aside, if you make fun of this, I will punch you.

Settling in over a bottle of beaujolais for a multi-hour cozy chat with my best friend: Sure, we're so close we could just save our vocal chords and read each other's minds, but where's the fun in that?! I am woman, hear me giggle.

Making a guy carry something for me: Dudes, I don't even try to lift my carry-on into the overhead bins anymore. What's the point, when a kittenish little cough will force some gallant gent to spring up and do the dirty work for you? Being a woman means you can do everything yourself -- not that you have to.

Cleaning in an apron: Admittedly, I only do this because my hostess apron has convenient iPod-holding pockets, but every time I look at myself while cleaning the bathroom mirror, I feel a little flush of Mad Men.

Doing fifteen tasks at once, nerves frazzled within an inch of my life, yet still beaming a grin so sweet it'll give you diabetes: Seriously, ladies. Y'all have friggin' superpowers.

What daily moments leave you feeling glamorous, empowered, sultry, or otherwise beguilingly feminine?

Posted by TKOG of Not That Kind Of Girl.

Lisa McColgan has maintained a blog (lisamcc.diaryland.com) at Diaryland since 1999, and can't be bothered to move to a trendier platform. She is also a regular contributor to 5x500. She hates cauliflower and water chestnuts.

My best friend from high school. Judy and I first met as chorus members in a summer theatre production of “Joseph & the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.” In the midst of this runny musical pap, a fast friendship blossomed. We ate at Bickfords a lot (Are there still Bickfords? They were like Dennys, only trashier), and she taught me this game: you take your pack of Marlboro Lights, and you pull off the cellophane, only you stop before it comes off altogether. Put a dime on the cellophane and then take turns slowly burning holes around the dime with your cigarette until the dime drops through the cellophane onto the table. I miss Judy and my searches yield nothing. But I keep trying.

The girl that bullied me all through 6th and 7th grades. She’s another one that hasn’t left much of an internet footprint, which is probably just as well. Nearly 27 years later, she still scares the hell out of me. If she had a Facebook page or something with her picture, I’d probably burst into tears.

Drunken fling from senior year in college. A horrible, embarrassing night of frantic grappling made that much less sexy by the fact that I was wearing overalls and combat boots (it was 1991 – don’t you judge me). He had good hair. Now he doesn’t have any.

Current significant others of ex-boyfriends. I don’t know why I do this. It’s insane. I’m happily married; they’re happily married/involved/whatever. Everyone’s happy. But I get a perverse thrill from finding out they have visible split ends, fat ankles or really crappy taste in music. Because I’m insane.

Who do you still stalk for no discernible reason?

I've seen a few celebrities in my time, even up-close, but I've never spoken to one. There are quite a few things I'd like to ask if the planets aligned to give me the opportunity and the nerve all at the same time. Oh, and I'd also hope for a magical truth serum to actually get some real answers to boot.

Are you kidding me with the drunken driving? So not every celebrity does this, but many have. And I just have to know, if you have that much money, why not hire a permanent DD? Am I right??

At what point does your wealth become unruly? Like, when did you hire a financial team to keep track of all your many millions in assets?

How much time do you actually spend on personal grooming? Waxing, threading, fake tanning, spa days, shopping, mani-pedis, hair cuts and colors, gosh I'm getting exhausted just listing it.

Can you give an accurate count of how many other celebrities you've done the nasty with? Because if the tabloids are even close, Hollywood is soap-opera incestuous.

How much plastic surgery and food deprivation is necessary to maintain your figure? Self-explanatory.

What would you want to know?

Posted by Erin of The Fierce Beagle

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We all have a list of dudes/ladies that we have crushes on (holla, late-90's Brad Pitt!). But what about those people we think would make super awesome FRIENDS? Like those people you think that you'd maybe make out once with if you were super drunk, but mostly, you want to talk about your old relationships, music, books, beer, and other awesome things? Here's my list:

1. Hugh Laurie--Dude is hilarious. He's also a talented musician and writer. I'd like to sit at a cafe sometime with him and people watch and make snarky comments.

2. Duff, the Ace of Cakes--Funny, somewhat childish...and BAKES. We could have an inside joke about fondant, I think. And I know he likes a good beer.

3. David Sedaris--He's neurotic, loves story telling, and leans toward the macabre. We'd watch surgeries on TV together, while eating a huge pile of spaghetti.

4. Amy Poehler and Tina Fey--I'd like to see how ridiculous things could get while hanging out with these two. Oh, and hey, now they're both stressed-out mothers, so you know they know how to UNWIND.

5. Caroline from the Real Housewives of New Jersey--Okay, not that I'd ever, EVER watch something as trashy as the Real Housewives (cough, cough) but if I DID, I'd totally want to be friends with Caroline.  She's sharp, witty, has raised good kids, and seems to have a little more depth than your average housewife.  We'd bond over wine, and she'd counsel me on my life and then offer me a sandwich.

What famous dudes/ladies would you like to have a platonic relationship with?

Posted by The Naked Redhead

I consider myself fairly self-confident. I'm not down on myself all the time, and there are actually a few things I can do that I'm proud of. But if given the opportunity to steal—or, more benevolently, replicate—other people's talent, here's who I'd go after.

Michael Phelps. The closest thing to a human amphibian.

Alicia Keyes. A voice like silk over gravel.

Barbara Kingsolver. I don't necessarily want to write exactly like her, but I sure wouldn't mind her success as a writer and a dose of her penchant for honesty.

David Sedaris. Because duh. He can break your heart and bust your gut in the course of a 10-page essay.

Misti Pavlov. If I can't own any of his artwork (yet), I'd at least like to be able to paint them myself.

The list could go on. Whose talent do you covet?

Posted by Erin of The Fierce Beagle

I'd say that at my age, I've learned to care much, much less about what people think of me, and not to sweat weird situations too much.  Regardless of my age, however, here are just a few situations where I'll be completely paralzyed by awkwardness.

Parties where I only know the host--OMG how awkward are these situations?  You can't monopolize the host for the whole time, so you're forced to either stand right outside someone's conversation and just HOPE they'll pay attention to you.  Sometimes the host is nice enough to introduce you to another guest, but this can backfire, too.  This situation happened to me recently at a party:  the host introduced me to another couple, who immediately turned and pointedly ignored me as soon as the host walked away.  Blarg.

The old "There's that co-worker I barely know about to cross paths with me" Time-the-Hello Moment--How, as humans, have we been able to endure these overly awkward situations for so many years?  I'm TERRIBLE at them.  I usually blurt out an overly hearty HI or barely speak at all.  The former way makes me look like a crazy-pants, the latter makes me look like an introvert.  Neither way makes me look cool.

When someone else commits a faux pas that I'd be horribly embarrassed about if it were me, but he or she doesn't give a crap--I'm talking to you, Public Nose Picker, Loud Farter, and Inappropriate Language in a Fancy-Pants Place.  Oh man, I turn red for these people and want to hide under the nearest table.  I feel awkward by association.

What situations always make you feel awkward?

Posted by The Naked Redhead

Poets have long debated the mystery of feminine beauty. Good news, though! Yon bards can cool it, ‘cause I’ve cracked the code of the top five all-time sexy attributes a female can possess.

A bulky watch on a slender wrist: Something about seeing an old-fashioned men’s timepiece or unwieldy diving watch weigh down a tiny wrist emphasizes the femininity of a girl’s bone structure. Plus, an out-of-place accessory cues the innocent bystander into instant intrigue.

A slightly deep voice: Oodles of girls fake brain-dead giggly simpers, but as far as I know, no girl’s ever intentionally lowered her voice. A throaty tone suggests a girl who’s being genuine, and that’s hot.

Really simple clothes: Y’all can keep your gladiator sandals and bolero coats. Give me a girl in olive green cargo pants and a black tank top any day of the week and I won’t look twice at anybody else.

Kickass calves: If I ditched my semi-vegan diet for cannibalism, deserted island style, the calf would be the first muscle I’d braise and munch: if you’ve got some meat on you, they’re beautifully curvy, but guaranteed to have a solid mouthful of muscle. ...oh, and, uh, they look really good too? I guess?

A book in her purse: Come now. This one’s self-explanatory.

Well, that’s one heterosexual lady’s perspective, anyway. Fortunately, there’s a lid for every pot, so what says all-time sexy to you?

Posted by TKOG from Not That Kind Of Girl

You know what I kinda despise?  The old practice of having to say hello to co-workers you barely know as they approach you on their way to somewhere else.  And then you have to TIME the hello, because you don't want to say it too early (which may prompt small talk) or too late (which makes you seem awkward or rude).  What I'd really like to say is:  NOTHING.  Or maybe pretend I saw a pretty bird or something.  Here are a few other things I'd like to be able to say, but probably can't (or definitely shouldn't):

1.  "I haven't had my coffee yet"--Much like that dude in the McDonald's commercial, I would like to use this line on chipper morning people until at least 11 a.m. in the morning.  In an ideal world, they'd immediately say, "Oh!  I'm so sorry!  That must be terrible!  I'll come back later." and then they'd tiptoe away quietly.  Siggghhh....
2.  "You are a nasty, nasty child, and I dislike you very much"--Um, apparently, people don't like when you say these kinds of things to their children, even if those children are screaming bloody murder, hitting or biting their parents and siblings, or giving you a dirty look for no reason.  And, honestly, I could somewhat forgive a child's bad behavior in a grocery store, but NOT in a coffee shop or library, where it's supposed to be quiet.  YES, I'M AN OLD HAG-CURMUDGEON THING.  I haven't had my coffee yet.
3.  "You look ridiculous"--There are some people that can carry off crazy hair and make-up and over-the-top trends with ease.  Usually, these people are in the habit of changing their look regularly, and they have a sense of who they are.  It's the people that try trends and miss the mark that make me roll my eyes so far into the back of my head I can see my brain stem.  Those are TIGHTS, not LEGGINGS you're wearing.  You are PANTSLESS. 


OK, spill!  What are some things YOU'D like to say but probably can't (or definitely shouldn't)?