Workin' a soul-crushing office job, 89-93% of the quality of my life is directly determined by Pandora's ability to discover a cheesy late-90s middle-school-dance song that I'd completely forgotten existed. A strategically placed boost of Tal Bachman's "She's So High" is the difference between chirping cheerily on the phone, or storming out for an "I QUIT!" coffee break. I -- I take my Pandora seriously. And, after much measured thought, here are a few features I think could make my life even better:

I've been out of the dating game for nearly eight years now (yikes!), but way back in the day there was one relationship that I secretly measured all others against: I had a friend with benefits. I recently read that the Courtney Cox/David Arquette split happened because they were more like best friends than husband and wife, and my first thought was, What the heck is wrong with marrying your best friend? I'll bet a lot of people wish they had.

At any rate, a friend with benefits can be a great thing. He/she can teach you how a lover should treat you in the non-sexy times, as well as what a physical relationship with a little depth can feel like—all without the pressure of  Is This the One? Here's how you know if your friend with benefits is worth it:

Displays interest in you beyond the benefits. If the relationship devolves from fun friend-dates with some cuddling and snogging to plain old booty calls, forget it.

Keeping it casual. The way to maintain the friendship even if/when the benefits part fizzles is to keep a low-expectations attitude. Either one of you could go on to date somebody else—but an affectionate head's up is always appreciated.

The friendship part should probably be established first. My friend with benefits was a longtime buddy, and through a series of events we saw each other in a new light. If you've just met somebody and things get physical fast, chances are high (though not impossible) it'll become a whirlwind romance rather than a lasting friendship.

Do you dudes have any experience with a friend with benefits?


Posted by Erin of The Fierce Beagle

Hey, regular suitors? Get to the back of the line, 'cause before I even contemplate a real-life relationship, I have to plan fantasy weddings to the following men:

Headless Hustle Dancer: What was going through this guy's head, that he found it necessary to attire himself in dress slacks, set up a faded old comforter as a background and HUSTLE HIS FRIGGIN' BRAIN OUT?! Actually, I take it back -- I don't care what's going on in his head. I only care about his magnificent, manly heart.

College Creative Writing Professor: Not only did he look like E from "Entourage" and scrawl sweet, perceptive notes all over my manuscripts, but dude kept an electric guitar in his office. Plus, he taught his dog Italian -- because he "wants her to have a better life than [he] did." Say it with me now: awwwwwww.

Seth Rogen: Obviously. That said, dude, Seth, if you keep losing weight I'm going to have to find a new imaginary boyfriend. Get thee to some buffalo wings, sir!

My Dry-Cleaner: Dude's a taciturn, task-oriented ex-pro boxer with a perfect nose. Every time I compliment him on it, though, he shrugs modestly and shows me his hands, which have been broken so many times they're the size of volleyballs. Dreamy.

Teddy mo-friggin' Roosevelt: Somebody build me a time machine. STAT!

Let's hear it, dudes. Who's your imaginary honey? (Or, in the case of imaginary polygamy -- hot! -- who's in your harem?)

Posted by TKOG of Not That Kind of Girl.

Yup, I'm a magpie




Um...so I'm usually pretty good at brutally culling through my stuff every six months or so, but I've found that I'll often just randomly save the weirdest things because I can't seem to let it go.  For instance:

A tiny tin box that mints came in--No, this is not even an Altoid box.  It's a box that came from the dentist as a promotional item.  But it's small!  And the top slides!  And one day I might put like, Advil in it or something!

McDonald's toys given to me by a co-worker--These toys are silly.  I know this, and yet I can't help but feel slightly guilty every time I think of throwing them away.  I AM THIRTY ONE YEARS OLD.  I DO NOT NEED HAPPY MEAL PARTY FAVORS.

Any sort of cleverly shaped item--Are you a fun little packet of floss?  Do you have a cute hook on you for convenient hanging?  Can you slide into a pocket with ease?  Yes, I'll keep you.

What random things do you get sentimental about?

I think it's always good to have a little check-in with one's self to see the things you like and the things you need to fix.  Here's the stuff I like about myself lately:

1.  My hair--It's gotten super long, and I've finally figured out how to handle all of it.  Yay!
2.  My work ethic--I've been putting a ton of effort into the things I really want, and letting go of the things that hinder me from getting there. 
3.  My new, "push through the shyness/awkwardness" attitude--I'm making new friends, lots of 'em, and even though sometimes I still feel a wee bit self-conscious, it's been cool to connect with people.

What about you?  What stuff do you like about yourself lately?


Posted by The Naked Redhead

photo



I'm pretty much addicted to listening to Pandora at work.  Here are the stations that get me through the day:


My Ingrid Michaelson station--Soothing lady voices singing clever lyrics with beautiful piano, acoustic guitar and tight harmonies?  Yes, please.

My Bitter:Sweet station--A little trip-hop, a little jazzy, just the right combo of fast/slow to power through a boring spreadsheet.

My Heart station--80's ladies ROCK!

My Adele station--A little bit like my Ingrid Michaelson station, but with more soul and a little funk.

My Julie London station--Kick-ass lady jazz singers from the past.  Best listened to on days when I wear red lipstick to work.

What are your favorite Pandora stations?  Do you have "must-listen-to" music for work?

Posted by The Naked Redhead

Now that I've spent over a year in Boston, I feel pretty confident saying I like but don't love the East Coast. What can I say? Northern California is a perfect fit for my temperament. That said, dude, there are a few things that the East Coast just. does. BETTER.

Poets have long debated the mystery of feminine beauty. Good news, though! Yon bards can cool it, ‘cause I’ve cracked the code of the top five all-time sexy attributes a female can possess.

A bulky watch on a slender wrist: Something about seeing an old-fashioned men’s timepiece or unwieldy diving watch weigh down a tiny wrist emphasizes the femininity of a girl’s bone structure. Plus, an out-of-place accessory cues the innocent bystander into instant intrigue.

A slightly deep voice: Oodles of girls fake brain-dead giggly simpers, but as far as I know, no girl’s ever intentionally lowered her voice. A throaty tone suggests a girl who’s being genuine, and that’s hot.

Really simple clothes: Y’all can keep your gladiator sandals and bolero coats. Give me a girl in olive green cargo pants and a black tank top any day of the week and I won’t look twice at anybody else.

Kickass calves: If I ditched my semi-vegan diet for cannibalism, deserted island style, the calf would be the first muscle I’d braise and munch: if you’ve got some meat on you, they’re beautifully curvy, but guaranteed to have a solid mouthful of muscle. ...oh, and, uh, they look really good too? I guess?

A book in her purse: Come now. This one’s self-explanatory.

Well, that’s one heterosexual lady’s perspective, anyway. Fortunately, there’s a lid for every pot, so what says all-time sexy to you?

Posted by TKOG from Not That Kind Of Girl

Because OF COURSE one day I’ll gain the power to bring back dudes from the dead who want nothing more than to break bread with me. Also, unless they’re really into vegan barbecue chili, let us assume I’m catering the affair with my life’s savings.

PG Wodehouse: Even though he was the single greatest humorist of the 20^th century, I’d like to think I wouldn’t badger him with questions or incessant praise. The man has not only changed my life, but probably saved it. I’d just want to feed him a good meal and let him enjoy it in peace.

Vladimir Nabokov: He always said that the key to his work is the afterlife – here’s my chance to find out! As a tribute to his unique writing process, I’d have the evening’s menu printed on index cards and allow him to shuffle courses to determine what was served when.

Ryan North: Writer of Dinosaur Comics and, in my book, current frontrunner for leading humorist of the 21^st century. And, more importantly, the fellow who gave me the gift of the word “dudes”. No, seriously, he dedicated a Dinosaur Comic to me about it a few years ago. Even though there’s no way in heck that he remembers it, that alone nets him a spot at the table.

Hugh Laurie: One of the most dangerously sexy and brainy men in Hollywood. He also portrays both of my long-time imaginary boyfriends: Gregory House and Bertie Wooster. And something tells me he'd be as psyched as I to meet Wodehouse.

Oprah Winfrey: Screw light banter: the Empress of Self-Empowerment would have some amazing career advice for a headstrong, artsy 20-something. Plus, she’d totally bring the hostess gift to end all hostess gifts.

Too bad my table only seats six, or else I could have shipped in Alec Baldwin as a little eye candy. Who’s sitting around your fantasy table?

Posted by TKOG from That Kind Of Girl.

See also: how to bust your budget and give your dear mama a heart attack at the same time. Frankly, I don’t understand half of the things modern brides spend their hard-earned $$$ on. Traditions with which I like to imagine I’d dispense at my own (very hypothetical) wedding:

Bridal Shoes: Why drop hundreds of dollars on shoes you might only wear once? I’m getting married in my trusty men’s size-medium Rainbows. (Oh stop clutching your heart, mom. I’ll slip on a throwaway pair of Payless pumps for the photos you’re in.)

Band or DJ. Look, guys, I don’t dance. Ergo, there will be no (formal) dancing at my wedding. iPod playlist of ambient music for the win. And maybe later, when everyone’s drunk, some enterprising young guest will pump the volume and get a little impromptu dance-off started.

Flowers: What better way to commemorate the immortal union of two loving souls than to commit ruthless and expensive genocide on a few hundred specimens of local flora? Oh wait. My wedding party’s going to be strolling down that aisle bearing bouquet and boutonniere arrangements of origami calla lilies folded from the pages of their favorite books.

Non-Edible Wedding Favors: I love you, dude, but you’re just giving us something to feel guilty when we throw away a few years later.

With all the money I save: the most earth-shattering cake and food ever. Most brides want guests to, as they leave, exclaim: “She looked so beautiful!” Screw that. I want ‘em to cry, “Who the frig catered that?!” What are or were your wedding corner-cuts and priorities?

Posted by TKOG from Not That Kind Of Girl.

Oh don't look at me like that. The only thing greater than bringing a dude with a Wikipedia entry back to life for a little jam session is having a great parting shot afterwards.

The other day, I called my amazing ex-boyfriend in an absolute tizzy. "Honey," I told him, "I'm writing a story and I need to figure out why the girl loves the protagonist. But I just realized that I don't know why people love each other or how they show it and YOU NEED TO TELL ME RIGHT NOW." While I don't recall the answer he gave, it occurs to me now that love is taking phone calls like that one, just for starters. Based on my field research, love is also:

Snapping a rubber band around your wrist every time you begin to obsess over them. In theory, aversion therapy sounds like it might work. In practice? It only guarantees that if by some miracle you do get back together, you’ll have developed some unique sexual proclivities to work around.

Writing letters for nobody to read. They just end up turning into confusing erotica.

Purging your phone and computer of all the saved texts, emails, blog comments, gchats, one-act plays, sexy-whimsical ASCII drawings, etc. Clever in principle, but in order to find all these gems, you’ll have to read them. Cue you, awake ‘til 5am, drunk-dialing your BFF to discuss the implications of an enigmatic sext he sent four years ago.

Hussyin’ up to try to get under someone else. Few activities in life are as forced and unpleasant as shellacking your tear-stained face with make-up and shimmying around a crowded bar. I give it twenty minutes before you sneak out to call the ex and reminisce about Saturdays spent on the couch watching Top Chef marathons in your pjs.

Getting all Carrie Underwood on the ex’s personal effects. Ebay, ladies.

Yes, I have actually tried the rubber band thing. No, it absolutely didn’t work. What’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever tried to get over an ex?

Posted by TKOG from Not That Kind Of Girl

J. M.—Even at the age of 5, he was a lady-killer.  Round, blonde, and full of mighty strength for pushing others down on the playground.  What a little rebel.

E. S.—Brown curly hair, puppy dog eyes, and the fastest boy in 2nd grade.  I loved him for years.

C. C.—This boy was the star of the high school basketball team, a total jerk, insecure, indecisive, liked me one minute, absolutely hated me the next…but who could resist those baby blues?

C. R.—My first “grown-up” crush on a MAN.  He was three years older than I and built like a brick sh*t-house.  He was chivalrous, kind, enjoyed my company, thought I was funny, then fell in love with someone else.  Probably the hottest guy I’ve ever hung out with…seriously, he was the kind of hot that other guys thought was hot.  Yum.

B. W.—Never try to date someone only a few weeks after a divorce.  He can be the nicest, awesomest guy in the world and YOU WILL FRIGHTEN HIM.  Just sayin’…

Is there someone you totally crushed on for years even though they were unattainable (or completely wrong for you)?

Posted by The Naked Redhead

A few years ago, I read an article where a fifteen year old teenage boy wrote to the columnist lamenting his sad lack of girlfriend.  The columnist replied with something along the lines of, "Kid, forget the girlfriend and hit the gym, read some books and learn the art of conversation for the next five years.  I promise when the time comes, you'll be confident enough with who you are that you'll be up to your eyeballs in p*ssy." 

Crass advice, sure, but true.  The bottom line is, women tend to want a partner who is well-rounded and has a little depth.

Here's a few things I'd add if you, er, want to be up to your eyeballs in...you know:

-"Funny" wins more points than "handsome".  You might have gorgeous pecs or a chiseled jaw, but a sense of humor trumps perfect looks any day.  I've known many a lady who has been with a man who may not be a Brad Pitt, but he sure can make her giggle.

-"Real, easy confidence" wins more points than "Yo, I can bench press my car".  Fluffy or skinny, out of shape or chiseled, have confidence in who you are (and the body you inhabit) and we will think you are the hotness.  Seriously. 

-"Working on issues" wins more points than, um, "Being a Crazy Pants".  We are really sorry you went through all that shit as a kid, and we totally agree that the one girl who tore your heart to pieces and gave you The Clap was a nasty-ass ho, but please, please, get some help before you bring that mess into a relationship.  We will listen, comfort and support you as much as we can, but at the end of the day, we cannot (and should not) be your mom/therapist/minister. 

There you go, boys.  Anyone else have anything to add to this list?
Posted by The Naked Redhead

Look, I'll admit...I'm pretty "Bah, Humbug" about the holidays, but there was a time I was much more warm and fuzzy inside.  A time when I ate rainbows for dinner and crapped kittens and sprinkles.  During those times, I received some pretty special gifts that I still remember to this day (though I may not have them anymore).  Here they are in no particular order:

-Lion Earmuffs (that came packaged in a real cage!) 
I was probably eight or nine and I LOVED those things...they had little lion heads and wrapped around themselves to fit in a tiny black cage that had a key so you could lock and unlock it.  I was a pretty imaginative kid, so I think I wore the earmuffs less than I just sat and played with them for hours.  Loved.

-Kitchenaid Mixer 
This gift was totally unexpected one year (since they're not the cheapest of kitchen appliances), but I got it at a time when I was trying to be super domestic (and failing miserably), and I used that thing just about every day.  I guess it made me feel better about my kitchen skills.  Somehow, it has since disappeared.  I'm not sure how one misplaces a twenty pound mixer, but I did.

-JCrew T-shirt 
My family wasn't the richest of families growing up, and I remember being in high school and never having "brand name" stuff.  I mean, it was fine, but it was sometimes hard to watch my friends with new clothes all the time.  One Christmas, my grandma must have known that JCrew was the coolest thing ever to wear circa 1995 and got me a really cute long-sleeved grey t-shirt from there that had a tiny red "JCrew" written on the front.  It wasn't super pretentious, but it made me feel better that next week in school.

It's funny how it's never the super-extravagant gifts that one remembers, but the ones that particularly speak to you at a certain time of life. 

What are some of your favorite Christmas gifts?
Posted by The Naked Redhead