Perhaps Bizarre, Perhaps Horrible Things About Me That I’d Really Like Some Assurance That I’m Not Alone In

CS Lewis brilliantly wrote: “We read to know we are not alone.” Considering his rank as a theologian type dude, I’m guessing his aims were a smidgeon loftier than mine, but, um, guys, can I skip the pretense and just make a few oddball confessions? Then you can be all like, “me tooooo!” in the comments section and we’ll group hug and eat ice cream.

If I don’t lock my bathroom door in the morning, a very short psychopath is going to stab me to death. See, he has to be really short so when you feel creeped out and crack the curtains to peek out, you’ll miss him because you don’t think to look down. Midget Shower Murderer is sneaky that way.

I love to smell people who stand near me in public places. I don’t, like, sidle up to them, but that’s about all I can say in my defense. I think it’s because smell ranks only after taste on the list of senses you have to be really really close to experience, so smelling other humans is a rare experience. But, hey, at least I’m not surreptitiously tasting people, eh?

If you whistle inside, I will punch you in the throat. Apparently whistling is a sign of unbridled happiness and we’re all supposed to do friggin’ cartwheels fawning over the joyous whistler. But it’s so loud and piercing! (And while we’re at it, the laughter of children? Totally overrated.)

I absolutely still stalk my high-school crush’s five-years-ago girlfriend on Facebook. And yet I don’t have time to clean my dang kitchen. PRIORITIES.

In the minute or so before I fall asleep, I often experience incredibly vivid hallucinations. My favorite, when I fall asleep reading: I get too tired to keep my eyes open, so I “magically discover” that my eyelids are invisible and I can “read” through them. Which so often leads to large sections of the Dalai Lama’s memoir taking place in an armored submarine.

Comment! Hug! Ice cream? Or, at the very least, hit me with a few confessions of your own so you don’t feel so alone.

Posted by TKOG from Not That Kind Of Girl

28 comments:

P said...

I HATE it when people whistle. It creeps me the heck out. Especially when someone does it in a public loo when I'm trying to pee...

Rowanna said...

My sister always calls me when she's walking the dogs, and then she'll start whistling at them and it totally goes right through my brain! I hate it!

Edita said...

I hate whistlers, too! Horror movies have taught me to never trust someone who whistles!

okgoods said...

I was reading this and thinking, 'meh'... read more, more 'meh' and then I discovered that you are so awesome and like me and can also read with your eyes closed!!! Sometimes, I will just 'know' the book in my head and I read it with my eyes closed while I am falling asleep.

We are freakin' awesome.
Sorry I am so excited.

okgoods said...

I was reading the post and thinking 'meh', I do not feel the same. BUT THEN I realized we are both awesome and can read with our eyes closed!!! In my case, I sort of have a photograph of the book's pages in my mind and can read it while asleep.

We are freakin' awesome.
Sorry, I am excited.

Aury said...

I totally do that reading with my eyes closed thing too!

It happens when the line between reality and dream land becomes really blurred.

I have also been known to finish movies/discussions in this way.

magnolia said...

i'm so with you on the smell thing. i've always had really strong associations between scent and memory. for example, any time i use a cleaner with bleach in it, i flash back to my year spent as manager and statistician for a college wrestling team. (long story.) i can also isolate most of the fragrances in the victoria's secret garden line from the year i worked there selling the stuff.

i prefer men's colognes, though, IF they're not cloying or atrocious.

The Maiden Metallurgist said...

The last one- I love those magical just asleep hallucinations.

Jessica R. said...

I have strong hallucinations right before I fall asleep. Except that I'm always walking along a street, trip and fall at the corner and wake myself up when I try to catch myself.

And also, I feel you on the whistling.

Tammy said...

The first one. Oh, my. In addition to locking the bathroom door, I must (MUST!) lock all exterior doors. And not just the handle locks - deadbolts as well. I'm hoping the midget/dwarf psychopaths can't reach the deadbolt and are too weak to break the door in.

That still doesn't stop me from constantly peaking out of the shower curtain to make sure the door is still locked.

I have issues.

The Naked Redhead said...

I don't do anything weird, EVER, except habitually lie in blog comments. :D

Alison said...

I'm with you on the midget murderer. As newlyweds, my parents were robbed by someone. The thief hid in the shower!

After hearing this story, I can't have the shower curtain closed (unless I'm in the shower). And I research various serial killers so I know the signs to look for. And I make mental notes of details about people and their license plates in case they assault me or they get kidnapped themselves. If you're going to go missing and the cops need your last location, I'm your girl!

ReticentPurple said...

I always peek behind the shower curtain when I use the restroom! There could totally be a crazy murderer hiding in my shower. Someone once pointed out that if he was in the shower and I peeked in, he'd kill me anyway, but at least this way I die with a little dignity and not cut down on the toilet.

Woooowwww am I good at sounding really weird and morbid.

Courtney said...

Holy crap, seriously. I also get the reading-with-my-eyes-closed hallucinations, although I usually realize that it's impossible eventually, which is when I wake up to discover my boyfriend turned out the light and put my book away and oh yeah, it's now 4am.

Jenny said...

I do not have hallucinations right before I fall asleep, but I frequently have grave delusions that I am discovering important theorems that I will write down when I wake up and subsequently win the Nobel Prize. Only the one time I actually managed to shake myself fully awake, and still retained my train of thought, the brilliant Nobel Prize idea I had been having turned out to be "Dentists wouldn't have any work if nobody had any teeth." So...

amelia said...

whistling people annoy me also.

however:

I occasionally am one of those people. so really I feel guilty for being annoyed... since I do it too.

Sandy said...

the last two items -- absolutely YES.

Nicola said...

I had no idea the closed-eye reading thing was so common! It's like the best recreational dreaming ever (I never fall asleep reading when I should actually be sleeping). Whistling indoors is never ok, unless you are Andrew Bird.

christel42 said...

Good to know that I'm not the only one who wants to punch people for whistling. WTF is that about?! It seriously makes me stabby. Oh and I totally do the reading with eyes closed thing almost every night. I admit it: I AM WEIRD.

Katherina said...

I was reading through your post and absolutely recognize myself in it! As many people (I see), I also have hallucinations while falling asleep when reading... actually, I've even falling asleep while talking, which is even more ridiculous because other people get how weird you are! I started a sentence about an exam, and ended it with something related to shoes..... wtf?

Kate McDowell said...

YES to the midget shower murderer. Totally true. Although sometimes i'm scared that I'll just lock him in there with me and then no one will be able to save me. :(

And re: reading with eyes closed... not quite, but I will realize that "hey... wasn't i reading at one time? what happened to that... oh i blinked and didn't reopen my eyes. huh. *drops book to floor and sleeps*"

There are people who whistle inside???? WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO

Norwegianette said...

The smell thing! Me too!

But then I really have a thing with smells. Whenever someone sits next to me on the bus that wears the same cologne that one of my ex boyfriends, I sort of sigh and stare off out the window and reminisce. (Which was a problem when I lived in Italy because one of the exes wore Aqua di Gio and so does every Italian male under the age of 40)

Anonymous said...

The smelling people thing? Yes! The only problem is that I can't really stop once I've started, so I keep smelling stinky people, just a little bit less than the gorgeous-smelling people

Amanda said...

Oh my God, the midget! I used to check in the shower AND under the sink (midgets are small and good hiders) before I would lock the door in case I needed to escape! And in college, we swore that there was a midget under our porch because we would see short people out of the corner of our eyes all the time. We called him the midget assassin. Regardless, it creeped me out to be outside alone. And then the year after I left, someone WAS trying to get into the house. My roommates joked about it being the midget assassin, but it was a real person. Keep checking the shower! Never let your guard down!

Oh my God, I sound like a crazy person.

Eyeliah said...

I smell people too, feel better?

paubonnet said...

I stalk my high school boyfriend online too... and my before sleep hallucinations are amazing! I wish life could be more like that... hello amazing job offers, trips to Europe and new clothes!!

Super Careo said...

I have dogs and so I can be in the bathroom with the door unlocked but only because the dogs will bark if someone breaks into my apartment. RIGHT?

On that same note, however, I cannot sleep with my bedroom door open (or in the complete dark unless there is another human in the room with me) because that's like inviting the scary monsters and murderers into my bedroom. *sigh*

Laura said...

Really? Whistling? YOU TOO? SO amazing to hear it's not just me!

My husband whistles. When he does, I want to stab him. I take it as long as I can ("I'm just happy", he says. "What's wrong with that?") and then I snap like a complete lunatic.

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