Split Second Impulses That Tempt Me Every Day But Would Undoubtedly Ruin My Life

Life is unfair. Full spiritual enlightenment requires decades of meditation, charity work and uncomfortable yoga positions. Total destruction, on the other hand? Always just a split second away. Nonetheless, I’m tempted to do the following on a regular basis:

Gather all my hair in a ponytail and just hack that motha off. It’s taken me four years to grow it to shoulder length – surely one moment of jubilant light-headedness can’t be worth another half-decade of weeping and avoiding cameras.

Quit my job. Honestly, the only thing that prevents me from doing this about twice a week is that I can’t decide the most satisfying way to go. Get my resignation letter sky-written? Show up naked to work one day? Or keep it classic and just tell my boss’s boss to go knot himself? So many bad decisions, so little time.

Send that “brilliant” drunk text. My best friends are contractually bound to dunk my iPhone in a glass of water if I have so much as a sniff of gin. It’s the only way.

Punch a train. There is a 99.999% chance that I’ll end up losing a limb and gaining a Darwin award. Which still leaves a 0.001% chance that right before impact, my arm will morph into a beefy cartoon bicep and I’ll punch the whole train off the dang tracks. I LIKE MY ODDS.

What stupid, irresistible urges do you fight on a daily basis?

Posted by TKOG from Not That Kind Of Girl

14 comments:

Raquel said...

I too, battle daily with the hair cutting issue.

Also, going out and buying expensive things, spontaneously breaking into song and dance, telling goodwill assualters where to stick it, and refusing to serve anyone at the library I work at until they come to me with the correct call number, (or at the very least their paper number) and their ID card.

Jill B said...

Thoughtless moments where I think, "what if I swerved into traffic?" and then I think, "WHAT?? That's a BAD idea, where did that come from!??"

Also, just barely keeping my trap shut when people at work ask obvious questions.

Super Careo said...

This list is the BEST EVER. I have also had the urge to hack off my hair, and I agree with you. So not worth it.

I am in the process of moving right now and while I have packed up a lot of stuff, I am tempted to just leave everything that isn't already in the storage unit (which is about ... 85% of my personal belongings). Would it be nice not to have to move/worry about that stuff right now? Yes. But I can't just leave it because 1. I would be really upset with myself and 2. Replacing 85% of my stuff would be super expensive.

Jade Carver said...

My split-second impulses usually involve:
*buying things I don't need
*sending my boyfriend snippy text messages
*giggling hysterically, dancing spastically, or singing loudly when I'm at home alone
*deciding to clean my room, putting one thing away and then going back to what I was doing before
*having a cheese binge (I'm mildly lactose intolerant)
*throwing out half my wardrobe. This usually results in removing 1-3 items and donating them to an op shop.

Oh, I could go on and on! Haha.

Leela said...

Kissing strangers on the cheek. I have no idea why.

Diggestive said...

I have the urge to cut the wires of headphones that are not as personal as they should be.

Ginger Jane said...

Leaning across the table and biting the nose off the person sitting across from me. I've avoided it thus far, but I know exactly how it would feel in my mouth. I've thought about this ever since I was ten.

My mother often has a moment during job interviews where she wonders what would happen if she just stood up and vomited all over the table.

Danielle said...

Ya know, I can relate to all of those except the punching the train one. I laughed so loud at that one that I startled my Mister. My equivalent though has got to be my urge to just step off the curb into traffic. A little self-destructive, no? My almost daily life-ruining urge would be to yell at stupid parents. I'm a teacher so that can be a hard one to fight!

Anonymous said...

Literally EVERY time I'm on a ship, I have the strongest urge to jump off into the ocean. Usually from a few stories up. It'd probably be fatal, and definitely painful, but I'm still tempted EVERY time!

Caz said...

I always have the urge to jump off cliffs (that don't end in water) if I happen to be on top of them, and like someone else said, swerve into traffic when driving.

Why the death wish? I don't know. I think it's just a curiosity of "what if it DOESN'T end badly?"

magnolia said...

easy. i have to fight the impulse to make out with every intelligent boy i talk to who's the slightest bit not physically repellent. seriously, if a guy is smart enough, i don't care what the situation is, i am overcome by the urge to lay one right on him. the worst is in professional settings, since i am a budding fledgling lawyer-to-be-type person (if i pass the bar exam i just took, anyway). that gets inappropriate QUICK.

The Tin Man said...

Dude, I often have the impulse to punch people in the face. Not people who are angering me or anything. Just random people, or a friend I'm talking to, or someone I'm sitting next to. There's no malice involved, just a "I wonder what would happen." I blame this on never even coming close to getting in a fight ever.

instatick said...

Every so often, when I'm in some shop with lots of breakables, I have the urge to throw my arms out and spin in circles helicopter style until everything's smashed to bits.

moxobee said...

Wow, I thought I was the only one with random self-destructive moments. Sometimes I'm tempted to just step off a tall bridge or not wait for the light to change before crossing the street. Sometimes I even play mind games with myself and think "What if I HAVE stepped off the bridge and this perception of me being safe is just my mind's defense mechanism? What if I'm in a coma but don't know it?"

I also have occasional urges (sometimes strong ones) to be violent towards my friends. Like the poster above, it's not when they annoy me or anything, it just happens.

I'm pretty passive and risk-averse normally, so maybe that explains it.

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