My Enemies List
My husband. Sure, I said for better or for worse, but some days, you are pushing it, buddy. Actually, you usually just end up on my list when I’m in a bad mood, but in all fairness, you need to be included. I’m in a bad mood a lot. Wait. This doesn’t make me sound so good. Oh, wait again! It’s cause you keep quoting that SAME line from The Godfather Part II, “Manga con Hyman Roth in Miami!” Dude, stop. The automated phone message lady from the library telling me my books are in. You and your creepy auto-voice are annoying in so many ways. You are garbled and start talking as soon as the machine picks up so if I’m home I have to hear the message TWICE. Sometimes you call TWO or THREE times in the same day; save up your messages and make ONE CALL. Stupid robot. Send me an email instead. The garbage men who throw our garbage cans into the street. It doesn’t happen every week, but it happens often enough that I wonder WTF? Seriously. It’s not like our trash varies from week to week and on that week we had something particularly heinous in the trash, like a deer carcass covered in curry. We don’t have dirty diapers any more. It’s just standard variety garbage. Why do you have to be so hateful? The postman who READS MY MAGAZINES. Stop it. I’m tired of getting my Entertainment Weekly late and I’m REALLY tired of finding Cheetos smears on it. Get your own subscription – it’s like $10/year. Those two old people driving nearly identical white 1999 Oldsmobiles next to each other taking up both lanes and who are each driving 5 miles UNDER the 40mph speed limit so that you will never, ever, ever get to where you are going. Take the bus. Seriously. Do everyone a favor. Bob Evans will still be there and you won’t have to worry about trying to find your car in the parking lot. Gwyneth Paltrow. She knows why.
Who’s on your list?
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17 comments:
On my list, the lady in the blue Camry who tailgates me at least once a week while I'm driving to work on Montrose Rd. I can't go any faster than the car in front of me, bitch, so get off my ass. I hate her. I just know she's gonna rearend me some day.
Funny, but painfully true. Why do all dudes quote this line all the time?
Today, my enemy is a girl who just brought me back my sweater after having it a year as if she was doing me a favour. Worse - it smells of cigarettes and she knows I'm allergic to nicotine!
The lawnmower guys who decided to start at my condo at 8am this morning!! I have such a headache!!
Gwenth Paltrow? hehe. You must have a good reason! Power to ya!
Nikki - I hate tailgaters. I want someone to explain physics to them - ONLY ONE OBJECT CAN OCCUPY ANY GIVEN SPACE AT ANY GIVEN TIME. Grrr.
Karolinajtr - I have no idea why they quote that line. It's SO annoying. Also, unbelievable about that girl - who does that? She deserves to be on the list.
Suniverse - I forgot to add GP is also on my list - she almost ruined that adaptation of Emma for me she is in.
I guess everyone has that kind of list - it's a must. Instead of yelling and chasing around annoying people with an axe and a fork, you just smile and say mysteriously: You're on my list;)
(And I'm the same karolina as from the comment above, just the first time google signed me up with my old account)
Aha! Loved your list!
The people who stay in the right lane all the way till it ends. Like their lives are more important, they shouldn't have to wait. I really wish I drove a beater so I could ram them & say "Oops, my bad!"
My husband, who can get dishes to the counter on top of the dishwasher but not open the dishwasher & put them inside.
My husband, who can't ever find me. I carry a cellphone, call me if you are worried. I've had a cell phone for 13 years.
i was talking to my man about this very subject the other day, during which conversation he told me that my enemies list is borderline nixonian and that i might need help. it's very long, it's true. here are some highlights:
1) ken "hawk" harrelson. he's the home announcer for the chicago white sox. he was on WGN in the '80s, and he would regularly make me cry as a small child by calling my team "the bad guys."
2) i have a number of political enemies. i don't even want to get into them. i can already feel my blood pressure rising.
3) PEOPLE WHO STAND ON THE LEFT-HAND SIDE OF THE ESCALATORS ON THE METRO.
4) tourists who ask stupid, historically wrong questions of me, then get mad when i correct them.
5) people who refuse to parent their children in public, leaving me to do it for them. your kid should not be performing a pole dance on the metro while we're all trying to commute.
6) camel crickets. they know why.
Melanie's Randomness - Stupid lawnmower guy! And yes, Paltrow knows why.
Karolina - GP is soooo terrible. Awful, really. I've actually written about how much I loathe her.
PA - Thanks! That means a lot!
GrandeMocha - Husbands should have their own list, I'm thinking. Also, I HATE those people. I love when trucks just block the lane and make them wait.
Magnolia - I LOVE your list! It's fantastic! I agree with all of it - and I'm dying to find out about Camel Crickets.
Suniverse - great post about (hating) her. I don't think about her that often, but I have the tendency to pass on any film she's in.
Karolina - Thanks! I've only recently started thinking about her because a friend LOVES GOOP. Like you, I tend to not see her movies.
so many names... my biggest enemy is myself. but we're working it out.
Oh my goodness...where to start...seriously I could be here all freaking day. Instead I'll just pick 2:
-CVS Pharmacy, their automated caller always calls me 50 times and leaves the same message: "It's time to renew your prescription." It's like he's baiting me. He doesn't realize that those pills are what keep me from killing him and his automated family.
-The creepy dad at the sand box who wears a fanny pack and never disciplines his kid because "his son needs to be his own free spirit" apparently this means stealing toys and throwing sand in everyone else's face. I want to yell "You kid's on the way to becoming Dick Cheney you fuck!" but I can't because, well, there's kids watching.
Also, if you aren't from out of town, what the heck do you keep in a fanny pack? Lollipops and puppies to lure unsuspecting kids to your van?
Simone - Ah, yes, the self-enemy. The bane of one's existence. At least you're working on it!
Tonya - I HATE automated calls. HATE THEM. But that is hilarious. Also, that dad is beyond words. What a tool.
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