Fantastically inappropriate responses to fictitious scenarios involving my arch-nemeses

Have you ever met someone without a filter? Not even people who have purposefully removed The Filter, but someone who just has no tact? It's hilarious on The Office, but so so obnoxious in real life. However, in my imagination I often like to remove the filter and come up with fictitious scenarios in which I am a total an unabashed bitch to the people who function as spasmodic pains in the derrière of my life. Here are some of my favorites.

To an innocent "How are you?" from a typically sour coworker: "Ugh, I was doing good, but being around you gives me the farts."

To the grouchy cashier at the grocery store, asking paper or plastic: "I guess paper, since last time when I brought my reusable bags you told me they smell like cat urine."

To my neighbor, who leaves his trash can at the curb all. week. long: I believe a flaming bag of dog doo on his front step would speak louder than words.

What would you say to your arch-nemeses if morality and courtesy were a non-issue? Go on, let 'er rip!

Posted by Erin of The Fierce Beagle


Anonymous said...

this one sucks

magnolia said...

to my passive-aggressive ex-in-laws: you know, your precious baby-child son wouldn't have gotten his little heart broken if you two weren't such terrible parents and had taken the time to prepare your children for the real world.

was that too much?

releasealittledemon said...

To cranky cashiers the world over: If you hate your job that much, go get a new one, but stop ruining my day by throwing around my fruit.

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