Euphemisms That Sound Worse Than The Thing They're Euphemizing

Er, that's "euphemizing," not "euthanizing," kids, 'cause lord knows the word euthanasia sounds better than "killin' a dude". Although less good than "pre-paying his ticket on the 5:15 Morphine Excess!" Here are a few alleged euphemisms that make me cringe far more than the real terms.

Ladykiller: The type of term used by grandmas, talking about a boy who's going to be a real Don Juan. Problem, Grams: it's not enough that the kid is going to seduce and break the hearts of scores of women, but we want him to physically murder and dismember them too?! Romantic fail.

Tooting: This cutesy term for farting brings to mind nothing more than the reedy squawp of a badly tuned oboe. So basically -- your farts are so loud that not only do they bring to mind an orchestra, but one with room for an obscure and universally despised instrument like the oboe?! Reel your flatulence into jazz-quartet status, then we'll talk.

Aunt Flo came to town: Aunt Flo, for starters, doesn't sound like some prim little spinster -- it's the name of a decidedly burly, unkempt woman (apologies to all you Florences out there). And you want us to imagine she's coming out of your vagina?! Actually, all euphemisms for "princess time" (shudder) sound worse than simply saying you have your period. Except my personal favorite: Mother Nature's Bat Mitzvah.

In the family way: If you think this is a euphemism, then you obviously haven't met my family.

Fluffy: This might be a regional thing, but where I come from, sometimes people use the word "fluffy" to politely hint that someone is fat. Objection: Once you say this, not only do I know you're fat, but now it also sounds like you're blanketed with a tangled thicket of all-over body hair. What, were you too Rubenesque to find a razor that would do the full job?!

The Big C: My respects and sympathies to people who do use this term for cancer -- god knows cancer is a difficult thing to talk about. But calling it The Big C makes it sound like an aging radio show host, or a cut-rate WWF fighter wearing bedazzled cut-offs. Sadly, guys, I don't think we can embarrass cancer into curing itself.

And don't even get me started on all the euphemisms for masturbating and dying! What euphemisms do people use that make you shout TMI? Discuss in the comments section!

Posted by TKOG of Not That Kind of Girl.


Melanie's Randomness said...

I'll tell you a short funny story about Aunt Flo. I actually have an Aunt Flo, she lives in Long Island. I was taught it was your period, not a fantasy thing that comes to town. My friend in high school used to say Oh Aunt Flo is here so I used to think her Aunt Flo used to come visit, like my REAL aunt would come sometimes. This friend one day asked for a tampon & said to me I my Aunt Flo. Ah, now I got it. LOL! Real stupid euphism. lol.

Aury said...

LOL at Oboe- Jazz quartet quip.
I really dislike the in the family way one... I mean, Really? Who even SAYS Stuff like that. If someone asked me if I was in the family way I would fully stop them and be like 'No! I'm Pregnant', :P

hilarious post!

Callie said...

Up until a year ago I despised all the phrases women used when describing their period, until a good friend told me about a term she coined. She calls her period Captain Bloodsnatch, Captain for short. I talk about my period more than it's appropriate just so I can use her term more. ♥

RazorCandy said...

Ugh I hate period-euphemisms too.

I also hate wierd euphemisms that parents teach their kids for their private parts. You can betcher ass my future kids are gonna be 'those kids' explaining the penis and vagina to horrified/fascinated neighborhood children.

WL said...

Hahahahahah that is the funniest list ever

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