Coping Techniques That Will NOT Help You Get Over A Relationship

Not to brag, but when it comes to great lost loves, I’m something of a self-made expert. Ever since the day in kindergarten when Taylor Green open-mouth kissed me at the top of the playground slide then broke my heart in the sandpit below, my love life has been a penny dreadful of deception, malaise, and sustained romantic hysteria. A few techniques that haven’t helped me get over my many post-Taylor heartbreaks:

Snapping a rubber band around your wrist every time you begin to obsess over them. In theory, aversion therapy sounds like it might work. In practice? It only guarantees that if by some miracle you do get back together, you’ll have developed some unique sexual proclivities to work around.

Writing letters for nobody to read. They just end up turning into confusing erotica.

Purging your phone and computer of all the saved texts, emails, blog comments, gchats, one-act plays, sexy-whimsical ASCII drawings, etc. Clever in principle, but in order to find all these gems, you’ll have to read them. Cue you, awake ‘til 5am, drunk-dialing your BFF to discuss the implications of an enigmatic sext he sent four years ago.

Hussyin’ up to try to get under someone else. Few activities in life are as forced and unpleasant as shellacking your tear-stained face with make-up and shimmying around a crowded bar. I give it twenty minutes before you sneak out to call the ex and reminisce about Saturdays spent on the couch watching Top Chef marathons in your pjs.

Getting all Carrie Underwood on the ex’s personal effects. Ebay, ladies.

Yes, I have actually tried the rubber band thing. No, it absolutely didn’t work. What’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever tried to get over an ex?

Posted by TKOG from Not That Kind Of Girl

5 comments:

Kate @ Tres Lola said...

I love this! I am rubbish at getting over ex-partners, unless I dumped them, in which case I usually develop a deep aversion and wonder why I ever wanted them in my life and recoil at the mere mention. If it's mutual or they ditched me... anguish, lots of it.... and I guess I don't get over it, I just relegate it to a beautiful thing that almost worked and find a new focus... learn stuff... seek.

besswess said...

You sure can turn a phrase. Loved reading this!

Guilty of Gossip said...

This is great- ughh getting over an ex is really hard! And I hate/ envy the girls who remain perfectly good friends with their exes, cause I have never found the "friend" thing to work AT ALL!

stephanie said...

yeah so a friend of my ex had suggested he write a "letter to no one". except then he sent it to me. asshole.

Anonymous said...

Note from today.....
Do not email him and say you are sorry,
do you not text him and tell him you may have made a mistake (cause you did not)

Do read "Its called a Breakup Because its Broken" then "He's Just not that into you" THEN "Why men marry bitches"

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