Whenever my wise mother is irritated with somebody, she looses on them one of her trademark brilliant aphorisms: "Life's too short and so are you!" Being only 5'7", I rarely have a chance to say this about anyone. If I did, though, here are the jerkfaces I'd be saying it to.
Favor Demander: The hang-out to favor-asking ratio can never dip below 4:1. Or else I’m going to ask you for one little favor, dude: stop calling me. Permanently.
Complain-Bragger: “Oh my god, life is so tough. Time Magazine called me and begged me to work for them, but I have to call my accountant and get my tax information and I just – sigh. It’s just so difficult to be me.” Yeah? It’s even more difficult to listen to you.
Emotional Vampire: Break-ups hurt, I know, I know, but my rule of thumb: during any given crisis, a friend gets exactly one teary, snotty breakdown per every two months we've been friends. Any more than that and we’ll need to start hanging out in fifty-minute increments. And I’m going to be charging for the privilege.
Slovenly Eater: This might be one of my personal pet peeves, but the way I see it, friendships are like religion: 82% food; 18% stuff you say while you’re waiting for the food parts. And, dude, if we can’t go out for a sandwich without you somehow spitting mayo up my nose? This just isn’t going to work out.
Communal Condescender: Look, we all have that friends (or those friends) who feel bad about themselves because their lives are non-stop messes – and, entre nous, we keep those friends around for exactly that reason. But that friend’s act loses its luster when her self-deprecation turns into you-deprecation. “Waaaaah, cute boys never look at girls like us. We’reso pathetic!” When that starts happening, time to RSVP no to your former friend’s pity party.
Jerkwad Writerly Type Who Makes Fun Of You On A Blog: Oh. Whoops.
In the spirit of spring cleaning, what type of friends do you toss out in order to save room for the good ones?
Posted by TKOG from Not That Kind Of Girl.
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