Archetypal Friends That Life Is Too Short For

Whenever my wise mother is irritated with somebody, she looses on them one of her trademark brilliant aphorisms: "Life's too short and so are you!" Being only 5'7", I rarely have a chance to say this about anyone. If I did, though, here are the jerkfaces I'd be saying it to.

Favor Demander: The hang-out to favor-asking ratio can never dip below 4:1. Or else I’m going to ask you for one little favor, dude: stop calling me. Permanently.

Complain-Bragger: “Oh my god, life is so tough. Time Magazine called me and begged me to work for them, but I have to call my accountant and get my tax information and I just – sigh. It’s just so difficult to be me.” Yeah? It’s even more difficult to listen to you.

Emotional Vampire: Break-ups hurt, I know, I know, but my rule of thumb: during any given crisis, a friend gets exactly one teary, snotty breakdown per every two months we've been friends. Any more than that and we’ll need to start hanging out in fifty-minute increments. And I’m going to be charging for the privilege.

Slovenly Eater: This might be one of my personal pet peeves, but the way I see it, friendships are like religion: 82% food; 18% stuff you say while you’re waiting for the food parts. And, dude, if we can’t go out for a sandwich without you somehow spitting mayo up my nose? This just isn’t going to work out.

Communal Condescender: Look, we all have that friends (or those friends) who feel bad about themselves because their lives are non-stop messes – and, entre nous, we keep those friends around for exactly that reason. But that friend’s act loses its luster when her self-deprecation turns into you-deprecation. “Waaaaah, cute boys never look at girls like us. We’reso pathetic!” When that starts happening, time to RSVP no to your former friend’s pity party.

Jerkwad Writerly Type Who Makes Fun Of You On A Blog: Oh. Whoops.

In the spirit of spring cleaning, what type of friends do you toss out in order to save room for the good ones?

Posted by TKOG from Not That Kind Of Girl.


Jen said...

Any friend I doubt would have my back in any situation is someone I don't make an effort to keep in touch with. I used to drop people who didn't talk to me for a year, but as we get older, I realized that's not a sign they are not friends, but that we're just busy. So I still keep those people around, unless they violate rule # 1. I also agree with all your above.

rsparks said...

As I do all NTKOG's posts, I love this one! I unwittingly moved in with a girl who's boyfriend broke up with her 3 weeks later. We didn't even know one another before and I can't tell you how many nights I went to be past 2am with a very soggy shoulder. Needless to say, she was the poster child for emotional vampires. Luckily, she's moving out in less than 2 weeks. I'm counting down the days...

NatalieCottrell said...

I've got no patience for the "friends" who only call you between boyfriends, when they're at rock bottom and need to be picked up. Again. You nurture, endure tearful conversation after tearful conversation, make them bathe, only to be ditched and forgotten the second a new loser pays them some attention. Awe-some.

RMb said...

hahaha, this is genius!! i want to print it off & pass it ou to a few people i know & see if they can identify themselves in the lists.

Bethany said...

LOL!! I seriously Laughed Out Loud reading this! I might need to stop reading at work! I hate super needy friends-just because we're friends doesn't mean we're going to hang out every day!!

The Cheese said...

I have had to cut all "One-Uppers" out of my life.

You know the kind, when you start a new job, they just got a promotion, when you are sick, they have a serious injury. The main one in my life even one-upped my "I'm engaged!" with a swift "I'm pregnant!" Le sigh.

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