Stuff About Having Long Nails That Drives Me Friggin’ Nuts

In a downright Herculean effort to be more ladylike (wait, contradiction much?), I’ve started springing for the occasional manicure. As a result, waved goodbye to my lifelong nail-chomping habit. While the results look lovely and save me literally tens of calories from re-ingesting my own torn-off cuticles, the life change isn’t without its drawbacks:

You become a percussion machine. Hey everybody on the bus! Wanna hear me absent-mindedly clack out the opening chords to “Hey Jealousy” like sixteen times in a row? WELL TOO DANG BAD.

It’s virtually impossible to keep long nails clean. You inevitably end up with a slash of black crud neatly splitting the pearly white nail and pink nailbed. The result rather gag-inducingly reminds me of neopolitan ice cream. And you know something’s got to be gnarly when it makes ice cream seem gross.

Two words: accidental S&M. Yeah, it’s all fun and games until somebody punctures a scrotum.

Unless they’re painted and nicely filed, they make you look like some sort of unkept rural chipmunk-shooter. They’re downright unsightly, dude. Look to your heart. You know it to be true.

You are ordained as a grand saint of scalp massages. Sounds great in theory, sure, but in application there are only two possible results to this. Either you massage someone else’s scalp and have to pry the accumulated dandruff from under your nails with a dang ice pick, or you discover you can give yourself world-rocking scalp massages, then are suddenly incapable of doing something as simple as writing a dang SSoLA list without – whoa, wait, what were we talking about?

Yeah, I give myself another two weeks, tops, before I turn these babies into a mid-morning snack. What do you love or hate about long nails?

Posted by TKOG from Not That Kind Of Girl.


Chrissy said...

what is worse is watching someone eat w/fingernails that long!. ewww and the food gets under them????

Chrissy said...

oh and I remember sitting in freeway traffic and seeing this chi chi gal picking her nose w/her acrylics... she was embarassed because she saw me staring! lol.... she got mad, all i did was laugh!.

Katie Mae said...

Dude. Where was the TMI warning? I was eating breakfast!

That Kind Of Girl said...

@Katie Mae: ?? I don't see the TMI.

Jen said...

I'm with you on the dirt, and they hurt like a b*^@$ when they break.

Herself said...

AWFULLY difficult trying to get any sort of vaseline or cream or lotion out of a jar with nails that long. Seriously congealment of product goin' on... And as for when nails break!?

OUCH with a capital O.

Something worse than girls with long nails and all the disgustingness that accompanies that??

BOYS with long nails. Unless you play spanish guitar, PLEASE CUT THEM!

Caz said...

haha thanks for this! I to am trying to cure my habit of biting my nails, and the dirt under them is driving me INSANE.

Cat said...

I'd love to grow my nails but having really terrible excema & dry skin means that whenever I do, I end up scratching really badly =[

Katie Mae said...

@TKOG: I guess I meant more Too Much Imagery rather than Too Much Information. I always enjoy your descriptive writing, but more so when you're not describing nail gunk and dandruff and I'm not eating oatmeal. :)

Vee said...

Eating hot wings with long nails is a no go. This disappoints me. I mean, unless I want hot wing-flavored nail gunk for dessert.

unromantic said...

Really long nails (especially fake ones) just look tacky a lot of the time. Speaking of which, I just discovered some silver glitter nail polish I've had forever and decided to give it a whirl again. I can't tell if I kind of like it or think it's tacky as hell (like a 20-something wearing polish a 12-year-old would think is cool).

Lyssachelle said...

I'm with Vee. Same goes for barbeque.

My biggest issue is that whenever I get them a nice, even and not freaky length, I always break one REALLY low. Then I have to cut the rest to make them look not weird and having short nails again feels strange and makes me type funny.
(My life is HARD.)

Anonymous said...

Im a guy I grow my nails because I can my nails are really thick and hard I've never had a broken nail ever sometimes it's annoying because they grow so fast if you want long and hard nails all you have to do is file them lightly every week 3 or 4 * a day and push back cuticles every hour or so push back pretty hard so the nail beds are engorged with blood you'll see they will grow super fast and get very thick and that's how you grow long hard nails you just have to be faithful and do this everyday it will get annoying because of growth very fast

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