In a downright Herculean effort to be more ladylike (wait, contradiction much?), I’ve started springing for the occasional manicure. As a result, waved goodbye to my lifelong nail-chomping habit. While the results look lovely and save me literally tens of calories from re-ingesting my own torn-off cuticles, the life change isn’t without its drawbacks:
You become a percussion machine. Hey everybody on the bus! Wanna hear me absent-mindedly clack out the opening chords to “Hey Jealousy” like sixteen times in a row? WELL TOO DANG BAD.
It’s virtually impossible to keep long nails clean. You inevitably end up with a slash of black crud neatly splitting the pearly white nail and pink nailbed. The result rather gag-inducingly reminds me of neopolitan ice cream. And you know something’s got to be gnarly when it makes ice cream seem gross.
Two words: accidental S&M. Yeah, it’s all fun and games until somebody punctures a scrotum.
Unless they’re painted and nicely filed, they make you look like some sort of unkept rural chipmunk-shooter. They’re downright unsightly, dude. Look to your heart. You know it to be true.
You are ordained as a grand saint of scalp massages. Sounds great in theory, sure, but in application there are only two possible results to this. Either you massage someone else’s scalp and have to pry the accumulated dandruff from under your nails with a dang ice pick, or you discover you can give yourself world-rocking scalp massages, then are suddenly incapable of doing something as simple as writing a dang SSoLA list without – whoa, wait, what were we talking about?
Yeah, I give myself another two weeks, tops, before I turn these babies into a mid-morning snack. What do you love or hate about long nails?
Posted by TKOG from Not That Kind Of Girl.
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