Careers I Would Never Attempt (despite the allure of imagining a salary above the Section 8 "very low income" bracket)

Not too many girls, it occurs to me, gaze dreamily into the distance at the age of eight and sigh, "After four years of expensive private education, oh gosh, I hope I become a secretary!" At least I know I didn't. Still, all things considered, I'd rather answer phones and make coffee for the next sixty years than attempt any of the following jobs.

Lawyer: I like the idea of tinkering with words every day, but, dude, if anyone ever expects me to have an informed opinion on federalism, I'll punch 'em. Then they will sue me. But joke's on you, lawyer-dudes, 'cause this lady is broke!

Salesperson: Things I feel qualified to make decisions about: puns and portmanteaux; John Cusack's hotness; the enduring relevance of "To Kill a Mockingbird" in America's ever-changing social milieu. Things I do not feel qualified to make decisions about: your money and how you spend it.

Consultant: What do they even do?! Please, somebody tell me.

Game Show Host: Do you think Pat Sajak really wanted to be Pat Sajak? How many years do you think it took before he resigned himself to a lifetime of making jocular little banalities about consonants and vowels? Lord please help me never find out first-hand.

Billionaire: Large quantities of money make me nervous. Guess I'm in the right industry after all..

What jobs are at the bottom of your career aptitude tests?

Posted by TKOG from Not That Kind of Girl.


Herself said...

Anything that requires even a basic knowledge of math.

Let me explain.

There was a maths problem in school and I knew all I had to do was divide the cement amount by 7. But alas, the cement amount was unknown. So I attempted to divide seven into cement. The word.

God I'm dumb sometimes.

Amy said...

i'm a consultant :) IT specifically. now you can be a consultant for ANYTHING/ANYBODY.

i work for a consulting firm in technology who bulids and develops systems for the EPA. (contractors basically) and we help them to decide how to build it, design it, etc. They "consult" us to help them do whaever they need to do.

now, other consulting is the same gist but whatever field it is in like fincancial consulting, etc.

naomi said...

tut, tut. NTKOG, quotation marks around novel titles?!

Though I must confess, I am (and have been since I was 9 or so) completely in love with both Atticus and Dill. So I may be further prejudiced than usual in my copyediting frenzy. :)

Kalei's Best Friend said...

Prez of the U.S. why would anyone want that job and get blamed for anything and everything?? also it promotes early gray hair.

Anonymous said...

A politician. No matter what you do, someone or somebody will hate you. I also have a sneaking suspicion that it turns you into a general scumbag.

ReticentPurple said...

Ooh, second on the politician thing. I don't ever plan for running for an office more serious that the ones in marching band.

Also slapping a big no on things involving sewage and more than usual exposure to spiders.

Katherina said...

I would NEVER attempt to be in anything related to politics - I've never been interested (and am sure I'll never be!). Besides.. probably a teacher - I have no patience, I can't even teach a friend how to play tennis without getting nervous...

That Kind Of Girl said...

@naomi: What can I say? Many years of the AP Stylebook have rubbed off on me!

magnolia said...

haha - you named my future job AND my best friend's job. 'course, i'm going to be a tax lawyer, so i only had to care about federalism until the bar exam.

from what i can tell from my best friend's job (consultant), he gets paid a rather insane hourly rate to go to his clients' offices and tell them all the stupid things they're doing, then help them fix the stupid things. not a bad gig.

Anonymous said...

I think my BF would THRIVE as a consultant. He lives for pointing out mistakes and suggesting better alternatives. Perhaps one day.

I would in anything to do with science, math, politics, legal, hospitality, sales, or anything that requires lots of interpersonal interaction.

Which doesn't leave a lot, does it?

Anonymous said...

2)Porn Star
3)Politician (although not far from #2)

Darcie - The "IT" Girl said...

I'd never be a nurse. I don't understand why anyone would want to clean up after someone else. It just seems gross, and I'm not even really that squeamish of a person by nature...
Also, I don't think I could ever be a porn star. Seems gross, and I'd be paranoid about STDs. Eww.

middleagedrunner said...

It would be hysterical/pointless to be a "Life Coach." I really don't get that. I would FAIL at being a mathmatician or auto mechanic. Or porn star because I have the figure of a 12 year old boy. I also know that if I were to attempt a career in fictional writing it would be short lived because I can only write about things I know.
Oh, and the obvious top fail of a middleaged runner: marathoner of 100 meter dasher. NOPE!

Anonymous said...

Anything that makes you world famous. I don't need people to now about the gazillion bad habits I have - heck even I don't need to be made aware, it took me years not to notice some of the gross things I do.

But dude, being a lawyer? So! Much! Fun!

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