The Truth Behind Ridiculous Nail Polish Colors

Sadako is a twenty-something New York City denizen. She enjoys children and YA lit, making fun of bad movies, and blogging at Dibbly Fresh.

I've spent my fair share of time at McSalons in my neighborhood that outpopulate the Starbucks stores, poring over the colors and their unintentionally hilarious names. But since snarky blogging is my specialty, the little demonic side of my personality has to tear down all the perfectly crafted images that the good people at Essie have come up with. Here are some of the funnier names I've come across and my interpretations of them.

Sugar Daddy. A light shade of pink perfect for French manicures. For the kept woman who's a coarse Amy Fisher at heart, but whose kindhearted benefactor is trying to teach her the finer things in life. What wine to drink with filet mignon. How to pronounce Nabokov. And of course, to wear nail polish that beautifies but that doesn't scream I KNOW HEIDI FLEISS'S PERSONAL NUMBER.

Thigh high. A deep bold red. For the woman whose only outlet for her sexuality is her nail polish color. I'm talking about the woman who wants to be seen as a little more sultry, but whose most sizzling outfit is the V-neck appliqued kitten sweatshirt.

Room with a View. A shimmery pink. For the college student who thinks regular manicures and having read a volume of E.M. Forster qualify her as a Carrie Bradshaw-esque intellect.

Not Just a Pretty Face. A bland beige. For the Brooklyn hipster whose WASP-y mom withheld funds for more ripped $400 tees unless she got something done about her cuticles, but who rebelled with the the only nail polish title that exuded anything close to irony.

Mauv-ing Along. A rosy red. For the thirtysomething office worker whose sense of humor is summed up by Cathy and who thinks that a Cosmo quiz oozes the risque wit and wisdom of a present day Lenny Bruce. The day she came across this color and laughed so hard she had to pop an Alka-Seltzer should make a high point in her fashion and beauty tumblr blog.

What's the most ridiculous nail polish color in your cosmetics case?


Ladytink_534 said...

I love the OPI names. "I'm Not Really a Waitress," "My Chihuahua Bites," etc.

KittenMittens said...

The one I have that annoys me is OPI's "What are you Wearing?" So if someone asks what the colour is I have to have the awkward moment where I answer them and they think I'm slow.

Anonymous said...

I have a gunmetal grey by OPI called "Suzi Ski's in the Pyranese." How the hell am I supposed to explain that to anyone? I just got a color that I love by Essie called "Mink Muffs" and the unintentionally dirtiness makes me laugh.

That Kind of Girl said...

@Ladytink_534: In high school, I was obsessed with "I'm Not Really a Waitress." I still think it's a pretty solid shade of red, but now unfortunately a bit too lurid for my life in which, yes, I am really a receptionist.

Sadako said...

I haven't checked out the OPI names myself. I've used them on occasion--mostly used Essie, though. I'm intrigued by I'm Not Really a Waitress. Though a little voice in my head says, "Red nails chip instantly, go for the less decadent but more practical clearish pink!"

Leah Felicity said...

My mother painted her bedroom with a shade entitled "Elusive Fawn." Every time I went in there thenceforth, I giggled. "Elusive Fawn." Snark.

EmilyKate said...

I didn't know you were a polish afficionado too sadako! I have great metallic blue called 'wonder woman' that is the exact perfect color of the blue of her costume.

Jade Carver said...

"Say Cheese", which is yellow. Oh, wait, no. I have a sheer pink which totally tops that - "Ooh Baby". Makes me giggle every time.

Dani said...

I have a green shade that somehow has made its way through several moves called "Mint Condition". Every time I look at it I can't help but think "Yeah, mint condition because no one wants to touch the girl with creepy green fingernails."

Danielle said...

I'm a huge fan of red nail polish on short nails (so as to avoid the whole scary cougar look) but due to the highly physical nature of my job I really can't wear it much. One day I decided to try to look put together at work and bought a really nice sorta shimmery shade of... pearl maybe? I love it, but it's called "I'm a princess, you're not!" It makes me cringe every time I wear it.

Sadako said...

EmilyKate, I am, sort of. Or, I used to be. Haven't gotten a manicure in a long time now but I did love looking at the different shades when I used to go. Boringly enough I only actually own two shades of nail polish and I don't think they even have cute names.

Andrea Jean said...

When I get a professional manicure, I tend to go for the link pink or beigey colors. I think my old standby Essie color is called Pound Cake, ha.

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