Men I Would Be Pretty Okay With Marrying Immediately (Yesterday, If Possible)

Hey, regular suitors? Get to the back of the line, 'cause before I even contemplate a real-life relationship, I have to plan fantasy weddings to the following men:

Headless Hustle Dancer: What was going through this guy's head, that he found it necessary to attire himself in dress slacks, set up a faded old comforter as a background and HUSTLE HIS FRIGGIN' BRAIN OUT?! Actually, I take it back -- I don't care what's going on in his head. I only care about his magnificent, manly heart.

College Creative Writing Professor: Not only did he look like E from "Entourage" and scrawl sweet, perceptive notes all over my manuscripts, but dude kept an electric guitar in his office. Plus, he taught his dog Italian -- because he "wants her to have a better life than [he] did." Say it with me now: awwwwwww.

Seth Rogen: Obviously. That said, dude, Seth, if you keep losing weight I'm going to have to find a new imaginary boyfriend. Get thee to some buffalo wings, sir!

My Dry-Cleaner: Dude's a taciturn, task-oriented ex-pro boxer with a perfect nose. Every time I compliment him on it, though, he shrugs modestly and shows me his hands, which have been broken so many times they're the size of volleyballs. Dreamy.

Teddy mo-friggin' Roosevelt: Somebody build me a time machine. STAT!

Let's hear it, dudes. Who's your imaginary honey? (Or, in the case of imaginary polygamy -- hot! -- who's in your harem?)

Posted by TKOG of Not That Kind of Girl.


Marie said...

Patrick Stewart (AKA Jean-Luc Picard) - It grosses my boyfriend out, but I find him extremely attractive. The accent and appearing on shows like Family Guy don't hurt.

Justin Timberlake - I was a senior in HS when N'Sync came out, so this isn't a childhood crush, plus he is way hotter now that he has lost all that curly hair. Love his dance moves, love his songs, LOVE that he can make fun of himself on SNL, Sony ads, and that History of hip hop thing he did with Jimmy Fallon

Ben Affleck - hottest man alive. the end

magnolia said...

brian wilson, relief pitcher, san francisco giants: not only is he a champion AND an LSU alum, he's cute and insanely hilarious. LOVE. HIM.

greg graffin, bad religion: so what if he's almost 50 and kinda pointy of face? he's brilliant and he can sing. love that.

leonardo dicaprio: yeah, my takeaway from "inception" was, "ooh. he's still pretty cute."

Lou said...

Karen Carpenter - Oh, that voice! If I am having trouble sleeping, she could sing me to dreamland. (If the original list can have a dead guy, then Karen can be on mine, right?)

Neve Campbell - My movie star girlfriend. You know a woman is truly beautiful when she is still gorgeous even when she cries (i.e. Scream movies).

Sharon Stone - highly intelligent AND has that "bad girl" streak going for her. WANT!

nikki said...

I'm glad I'm not the only one who likes chubby Seth Rogen better than skinny Seth Rogen. Chubby he reminds me of my husband - in a good way! Skinny, he reminds me of a movie star who thinks he needs to be skinny.

Other dudes I'd marry
-John Barrowman. Gay Shmay. I love him.
-Albert Pujols. At 23, the dude married a woman with a mentally disabled child - and adopted that kid. Plus he's my one great hope that we can still produce great baseball hitters without steroids. (And if we ever find out he did steroids, I will officially turn in my fancard.)
-Rupert Grint. God, I feel like such a pedo saying it because he's a good decade younger than me. But I love the ginger hair. I love that he's so not a media whore. And the few interviews he gives, I love that he has this quiet sardonic sense of humor that I don't even think he's aware he has.
-High School History teacher. All the girls wanted Mr. K.

ellie said...

Oh oh oh. My husband is also disgusted by my crush on Robert Redford in his early days(time travel required here). That man is HOT!

naomi said...

Hobbes (yes, the tiger), James Spader, Faramir (from the books, pre-character assassination), Mr. Knightley, undergraduate-professor friend, and Atticus Finch.

little maya said...

Johnathan Foyle from the BBC History Channel

Paige said...

Taye Diggs, Ben Affleck (whom I've actually met in 2000), Joe MacIntyre from New Kids on the Block, and Michael Symon from Food Network.

The Naked Redhead said...

Tina Fey. I don't care if she's a lady. Love her.

Matt Damon.

A big "second" to Taye Diggs.

Marissa said...

I with you on Teddy Roosevelt! Only my all time favorite president. How can you not love a guy who as NY Police Commissioner used to dress all in black and lurk around the city at night trying to catch his police officers doing illegal stuff?

Obi-Wan Kenobi. The only fictional character I've ever been truly obsessed with.

Chris Pine. Which is interesting, because when it comes to Star Trek characters I'm more of a Dr. McCoy kinda gal.

Geoff Manthorn from Ace of Cakes.

Kate said...

Jack Nicholson, Andy Samberg, Patrick Stump.

Anonymous said...

Noel Fielding - minus the lady-pants, but plus the kooky shoes. His weirdness rocks.

Stephen Merchant - because he's so self-deprecating, you just want to hug him.

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