Reasonable guidelines for a friendship with benefits

I've been out of the dating game for nearly eight years now (yikes!), but way back in the day there was one relationship that I secretly measured all others against: I had a friend with benefits. I recently read that the Courtney Cox/David Arquette split happened because they were more like best friends than husband and wife, and my first thought was, What the heck is wrong with marrying your best friend? I'll bet a lot of people wish they had.

At any rate, a friend with benefits can be a great thing. He/she can teach you how a lover should treat you in the non-sexy times, as well as what a physical relationship with a little depth can feel like—all without the pressure of  Is This the One? Here's how you know if your friend with benefits is worth it:

Displays interest in you beyond the benefits. If the relationship devolves from fun friend-dates with some cuddling and snogging to plain old booty calls, forget it.

Keeping it casual. The way to maintain the friendship even if/when the benefits part fizzles is to keep a low-expectations attitude. Either one of you could go on to date somebody else—but an affectionate head's up is always appreciated.

The friendship part should probably be established first. My friend with benefits was a longtime buddy, and through a series of events we saw each other in a new light. If you've just met somebody and things get physical fast, chances are high (though not impossible) it'll become a whirlwind romance rather than a lasting friendship.

Do you dudes have any experience with a friend with benefits?

Posted by Erin of The Fierce Beagle


Melanie's Randomness said...

I was in a friends with benefits ordeal for 3 and a half years. My problem was I fell in love with him. We were best friends before we ever hooked up but I was too young when we started it. I couldn't keep my emotions out of it & was craving for it to be more than casual. He didn't. He didn't care about me at all even as a friend so we had to part ways. errm I guess i'm bad on advice in this scenario because I got burnt too badly. Srry for the long comment.

magnolia said...

i met him in 1996. we were best friends from the word jump, tight as hell from the get-go and inseparable. our moms conspired to get us together; didn't work. we both went off to college, dated others, etc., etc., etc. i married my college boyfriend; he was one of my groomsmen.

all along, though, he and i stayed close... until my marriage started falling apart, at which point we started hooking up. nothing serious; just the same kinds of interactions as before, except at the end of the night, we ended up in bed together. this went on until this summer, as my marriage formally ended. he and i spent endless time together, and i finally realized that i wanted so much more than friends-with-benefits. i put myself on the line and admitted it.

to quote one of my other friends, "so your guy became your man." we're deeply in love with each other at this point. not sure this is on point, but the evolution was there. we followed your friends-with-benefits guidelines (which are spot-on) until we realized that what we had was really much more than that.

Daughter of a King said...

Magnolia- That was like a movie script and I LOVED it. Glad it all worked out.

My story is one of: We were friends, but not close friends in high school.
The end of senior year, we started hooking up.
Freshman year of college we were still hooking up, but with other people too.
Freshman year of college Thanksgiving break he tells me he has a girlfriend.
Freshman year of college Thanksgiving break, I'm a wreck.
Freshman year, he breaks up with her and we start hooking up again.
Summer after freshman year, we start dating, and I've been in love with him since then...2.5 years later.

Anonymous said...

I wish I had a friend with benefits like that. A few month backs that happened with one friend of mine - we saw each other in another light. I wouldn't mind if he dated and I think he wouldn't if I did, but we finally didn't have enough confidence to talk about it. We kind of grew apart because we didn't want to hurt the other. I hope everything turns out alright, though.

Anonymous said...

instead of "confidence" I meant "trust". Sorry! hoy no se me da el ingl├ęs.

Anonymous said...

To be honest, I even could not imagine how hard it is to find decent piece of info on the above topic. k2 incense

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