Ways Your Facebook Profile Irritates Me

Oh Facebook friend, my cherished Facebook friend, allow me to be frank: I have accepted your friendship for any one of a number of good reasons. Maybe I need your address for Christmas cards, maybe I want to stalk your wedding photos, maybe I just think you're a doll. That said, I did not friend you on Facebook to learn more about you. Which is probably a good thing, because 99% of profiles on the site irritate this exceedingly cantankerous old lady. Let's break down the offenders by profile zone.


Interests:

  1. Claiming an "interest" you've clearly done only once. Really, you'd call "Making ninja swords out of pickle-bottles and claiming dominion over a sewer grate" an overarching life interest? Really?!
  2. Including activities that are necessary for human life. Everyone likes sleeping, buddy, but most of us have enough other hobbies that we can fill our facebook profile with things we do while we're conscious.
  3. Listing two or more forms of exercise. There's nothing actually wrong with this, per se, but look, dude, you and I have nothing to say to each other.

Favorite Quotations: Man, that little gem by your high school AP calc teacher gets wittier every year since gradu--oh, waaaaitaminute.

Music: If you're listing more than thirty bands and they're all in alphabetical order, dude, we all know you just opened up iTunes and listed every single bands you've ever downloaded a demo of on Napster. Come on, dude, if you want people to define you by your taste in music, at least give us a short enough list to actually read through.

Books: Six words: "I'm more of a magazine person." And the lord preserve the tattered fragments of your soul if I see you've listed Cosmo as a book.

Television:
Tread carefully, kittens. And when in doubt about whether to include a guilty pleasure, for the love of pete, lie.

Yes, it is the first of the month and I am very grumpy. A feeling I'm going to work through by printing out my frenemies' Facebook profiles and marking them up with a red pen. What fbook profile foibles make your eyes bleed?

Posted by TKOG from Not That Kind of Girl.

22 comments:

hildywife said...

Linking their status updates to twitter. If I wanted an update about their lives every two seconds, I would be their friend on twitter, not facebook!

magnolia said...

hahahaha - oh, it's so true. my profile's wordy as all hell, but i try to at least make it interesting. i mean, there's no such thing as too many hunter thompson quotes, right? :)

dcgirl9139 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
nikki said...

Political beliefs as your status update. Even if I agree with your particular beliefs, I will unfriend you or at least hide your status updatesso fast.

That Kind Of Girl said...

@nikki: YES! I have some friends who post intentionally galvanizing political states as their statuses. Like, seriously? Baiting for fights on FACEBOOK?! Bad form.

amelia said...

I am so anti the whole 'group' thing. if you invite me to join any ridiculous group, no matter the so-called noble cause it was created to honor or benefit, I will ignore you. I just don't care that much.

Maureen said...

Hmmm... I am surprised you even look at profiles. I think I only look at those once when I become friends with someone and then never again, right? Do people frequently update those? I for one haven't updated my profile in years. It has no interests, books, movies or quotes. The only thing it says is under bio and reads, "I judge people by the content of their character."

I mean, MLK told us to, right?

naomi said...

I definitely read profiles, and agree with your ire-inspirers. My biggest one, though, has to be inconsistency in capitalization. All lc? Fine. You're artsy, shop at Etsy, whatever. _Make them all lc!_

Suniverse said...

Using a FB account for both you AND your husband. Are you kidding me? Can you do NOTHING without each other?

Sadako said...

I don't really do FB anymore, but I thought you were cool with exercise? What happened to your hardcore C2K attitude? :)

That Kind Of Girl said...

@Sadako: I'm definitely cool with exercise (although I'll admit the grisly weather + grad school apps has made me seriously lax about jogging), but I've got no business hanging out with people who are so into it that they feel the need to dedicate mega fbook real estate to it. (Then again, this is coming from a dude whose fbook profile consists exclusively of a Ray Bradbury quote and a list of favorite books. So there's that.)

dcgirl9139 said...

It annoys me a little when people don't fill out Interests, Movies, etc. How am I supposed to judge you/feel superior for liking better things?

I was going to post earlier about how much I'm sick of people posting game invitations on my wall, but I realized that wasn't about profiles and deleted my comment. Seriously, though, I don't care if we had AP English together, I'm not playing any of those dumb games.

Helen said...

I hate the way that people use facebook to show the world what a good friend they are. i mean a while ago someone close to me lost several family members in quick succession, and one of her relatives basically moved in with them and helped take care of anyone. So anyone who's important to any of them would know that she really did go beyond the call of duty.

So imagine my surprise when the person in question posted an update to let everyone know the news and that she was coping, but having a tough time.

Who is the first to comment? The friend who was probably sitting 2 feet away at the time. I mean really? And she did this repeatedly for about a month.

Sorry, long rant, it was just getting on my nerves lately. why advertise you supportiveness when the person who needs supporting knows that you're there anyway?

Stephanie said...

BABY PROFILES. This one pisses me off so much. It's so cutesy wutesy it makes me want to puke. Your little angel can't even hold his head up, do you think he really cares whether or not he has his own account so he can be tagged in the zillions of pics mommy uploaded? NO. It's like our generation's version of the old shtick about being stuck on a train or plane next to the doting parent/grandparent who has a string of wallet photos to show you.

Also, and maybe I'll feel differently about this one when I have my own kids, but it irritates me when parents change their own profile picture to a picture of their baby. #1: that is not you, that is your offspring, and can we please maintain our own identity? #2: no one's baby is as attractive as they think it is. Can we just all understand this and accept it and not be that person who thinks THEIR baby really is beautiful?

Miss Scarlet said...

Yeah, I hate politics on Facebook A LOT. Because are they wanting to get into a debate on FACEBOOK? Not cool.

Marie said...

I'm a week late, but I'll add my complaints anyway. :)
I second using Twitter to update Facebook, as well as Picasa, a blog, and everything else. I had one friend that linked everything to FB and in one day put up 40 wall posts because of all the different accounts. Needless to say, I hid him.

Using a sonogram/surgery/wound picture as your profile picture. Put it in an album, but I don't want to see it all the time!

Airing your relationship issues via relationship status. If you are really having a hard time with your husband, maybe it's best to just remove your status instead of changing it from married to it's complicated to single to complicated to married. While I appreciate the ability to stalk you, it's kind of tacky.

Tyler thee Chick said...

I can NOT stand these.. "Re-post to show your support for (lung cancer, heart disease, kidney failure multiple sclerosis, etc etc etc.) I know MOST of you won't...." Or also "I'm cleaning out my friends list. If you don't (re post / comment / like / snail mail / shower me with flowers and chocolates / buy me a car / give me your house)then it's clear how you REALLY feel!" The other day, my own step mother posts one about anti-bullying. And if I don't re post it, then I have no backbone and am heartless. Am I the only one this kind of fb behavior makes NO sense to?

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