Secret Society of List Addicts: August 2009

Reasons My List Might Be Late

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1) Full Time Work. I am so thankful for my full-time job in this shitty economy, even more so that it's a four day week and that my co-workers are RAD! If I'm being honest, though, squeezing 10 hour work days in, it doesn't leave a lot of time for other stuff Monday through Friday.

2) The Internets. Have you ever seen the internet before?! HOLY CRAP! THIS THING IS HUGE!! There are a bajillion photos of cats and other tiny animals created for the sole purpose of distracting me from my intentions, the list!

3) My Personal Life. Dudes, right now we have no bathroom in our house. We live in the tiniest house and are renovating the bathroom. There is no tub or shower, but luckily, there is a functional toilet in the corner of our grody basement. This means all of our showering takes place at the gym or our friend's house.

4) The Weather! Summer here is on it's last legs, we are steadily careening towards autumn. I'm not happy about it, but I am spending a lot of time outside soaking up what's left of these gorgeous, sunny days and long evenings that keep getting shorter and shorter. ((Sorry!! It's true.))

What are the things distracting you from your To Do list?

Best Comfort Foods

Posted by The Naked Redhead

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1. Mac and Cheese--Is there anything better than a hot, salty, creamy bowl of mac and cheese when you're just feeling "bleh"? This unnaturally orange dish has been a favorite of mine since I was a child, and even though now, as an adult, I know it's horrible for me, I still will have a bowl now and then.

2. Ice Cream--DUH. Ice cream is something you can cry into, laugh over, or relax with. It can be enjoyed alone or with friends, and something about this cool treat makes you forget, just for a moment, that you're a grown up with responsibilities.

3. Grilled Cheese and Tomato Soup--In my old age, I've graduated into making a "gourmet" version of this meal, usually with some lovely bread, expensive cheese, and homemade soup (easy to make, and smells delicious). Autumn in Ohio almost demands that one eat copious amounts on a daily basis.

4. Italian...anything--Anytime I feel especially "off", a hearty Italian meal can make the world seem right for a moment. Any culture that loves to group carbs, delicious vegetables and cream onto one plate gets an A+ in my book.

5. Cinnamon Rolls--The smell of cinnamon and baking dough...gorgeous, creamy frosting...need I say more?

What's your favorite comfort food?

Things My Mother Never Taught Me - And Things That She Did

Bonnie is a student teacher and fello list-lover who blogs at This Child Left Behind.

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There are some things that most girls would learn from their mothers, such as:

how to put on make up
how to use an eyelash curler (which STILL looks more like a torture device than a beauty tool to me - or maybe those things are the same?)
how to use a tampon
boys, dating, and marriage
skin care
hair care
why it is important to wait for the first coat of nail polish to dry completely before putting on a second coat
how to not kill yourself when wearing high heels

And so on. My mother never taught me these things - I had to learn from books and magazines and older girl cousins. Until I managed to figure all of that stuff out on my own, I resented her for not giving me a set of information that most girls my age had in abundance.

However, here are the things I DID learn from my mother that some girls my age have yet to know:

how to knit
how to keep track of my income and expenses, as well as an awareness of costs and frugality
how to do my own taxes
why it is important to (eventually) own a home
how to invest my money
Chinese: the language, the culture, and a love for it
how to mend clothes, so that I don’t have to throw away a perfectly good pair of teaching pants just because of a little tear
how to make “tong yun” (a Chinese rice flour dumpling, usually in soup; can be sweet or savory) and “dan tat” (egg custard tarts)
how to repel unwanted attention from sleazy men

What did you learn from your mother?

My Favorite Non-Sexual Fantasies

The Unexpectedly Bi-lingual Fantasy
In this fantasy, I am perusing a crowded market in some foreign land about to purchase something expensive and amazing - a Persian rug, perhaps. Or maybe a pet monkey. And despite my white-bread appearance, I happen to be totally fluent in the local dialect and overhear the vendors laughing about how they're going to over charge me. I approach the counter, level my eyes at them and in perfect unaccented Hindi/Chinese/Bahasa say something like "Well, that approach won't make for many return customers, will it?" Ha! Fist Pump!

The Long-married Dinner Party Fantasy
I'm in my mid-fifties (and look inexplicably like Lauren Hutton) and my husband and I have thrown a big old dinner party for our nearest and dearest. We're standing about, chatting about politics/books/cheese when someone says something that relates to an inside joke between me and my mister. We make significant eye contact, stifle smiles and know that we're going to talk about that later. Because even though we've been together for ages, we're still total BFFs and still very, very into each other.

The Lazy Weekday Morning Fantasy
Integral to this fantasy is the fact that I work from home. But how I came to work from home? That doesn't matter. What matters is taking a long, leg-shaving shower, using heaps of Aveda products and stepping into a kimono post-shower. Then drinking coffee out of giant round cup while reading blogs and petting my overly fluffy cat, who inexplicably doesn't shed. Greek yogurt, fake bacon and having a pedicure also seem to play into this fantasy.

The Romantic Winter Weekend Fantasy
It's a Friday night and The Boyfriend (the one that I don't have) and I, have plans to go out, but it starts to snow, so instead, we bundle up and trundle through the snow to the nearest Blockbuster and rent some delicious 80s rubbish. We snuggle with red wine and popcorn and then spoon to sleep at the snow gets deeper and deeper. In the morning, we make the journey out again to get the Sunday paper and read it while we eat whole wheat waffles with berries and listen to the Sunday NPR lineup.

What are you favorite non-sexual fantasies?

Posted By Sarah Von

American Stuff I Just Don't Get!

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As with most women my age, I was partially brought up on movies such as The Breakfast Club, Clueless, 10 Things I Hate About You, Legally Blonde, all American teen classics! As a British girl however, there are several things about American life I "learned" from these movies that I and many of my other UK-based friends find a little... perplexing!

Spray-on cheese - Also cheese that doesn't have to be refrigerated. I love my cheese but that stuff is totally alien to me!
The high school popularity contest - being popular just wasn't that much of a big deal in any school I went to.
Not making coffee at home - this one's from experience, I have relatives in the US, and none of them seem to make fresh coffee in their own kitchens, it's instant or a trip down to Starbucks. To me, this sounds expensive and far too much effort, I have my Senseo machine or a cafetiere to do the job for a tenth of the price in my own home.
The Greek System - Sororities and Fraternities are something quite fascinating to myself and quite a few people I know as we have absolutely nothing like that at British universities!
Deep-frying turkeys - I'm scared of my deep-fryer, I'm a little clumsy so I'm always worried I'll end up frying a hand at some point, even with a light, barely-filled fryer basket. Deep-frying a whole turkey sounds positively terrifying to me!

What have you learned about other English-speaking countries that you find a little bizarre? If you're American, what perplexes you about the British?

Simple Cures For What Ails You

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1) My Mom's Homemade Chicken Noodle Soup with Homemade Egg Noodles

Even in my staunchest vegetarian years, this was a free pass. She makes the noodles from scratch, rolling the dough on a tea towel, cuts the strips with an old knife and hangs them to dry on white strings woven between the cabinet handles throughout the kitchen. Made with so much love, it's the opposite of deadly potent.

2) Sunshine and/or a Jog Around The House

Growing up, if my brother and I ever fought we were advised to a) "go outside" or b) run around the house outside until we were too tired to fight. Today, when I feel angry or frustrated getting in the sun or getting active outside does the trick.

3) Peppermint Tea

Sings on the tongue, brightens any attitude. You can put that on the label because it's not a snake oil remedy. Turns a rainy day at your office computer into a delightful respite. This stuff could lead to world peace.

4) A Great Big Hug

Are you sad? Crying? Desperate? Exasperated? You've had enough of this stinking world? I'm sure your favorite hugger could help bring you a step in the right direction. Oh, come on! They could.

5) A Nap Maybe

you need to look at it with some sparkly rested eyes, a brain that isn't so world weary. I guarantee (more or less) that most anything will seem better after a good rest. Just remember that rule about never going to bed angry...that's the only stipulation.

What simple things make you feel so much better?

Posted by Darcie

Ways I Love to Procrastinate

Facebook
No, I really don’t need to know whose cartoon wife I’d be, or which Harry Potter name fits me best, but it sure is fun to while away the hours doing nothing on Facebook. PLUS, it’s a great opportunity to spy on people and judge them silently.

Cleaning
I’m kind of a clean freak anyway, but give me a project looming over my head, and suddenly, it is of the utmost importance that I shine the toaster.

Sleeping
I am not the kind of worrier that I can’t fall asleep when responsibility calls. Quite the contrary…I find impending responsibility to have a soporific effect.

"Target"-ing
Is there any other place on earth more fun to walk-through and browse? Target is a shopping experience that allows a person to find hidden nooks and crannies jammed with clearance items, like Mail-able Picture Frames! Or, Funky Pillow Cases! All products that, of course, one must spend at least twenty minutes contemplating the necessity of owning such a thing.

List Making
That’s right, fellow List Makers. You know we do it. There’s no better way to put off what we should do today by organizing it until tomorrow.

How do you procrastinate?

Posted by The Naked Redhead

Lessons I Have Learnt

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I might find some lessons impossible to learn, but there are others which I have managed to come to terms with:

Adventures are always worth it
Losing my temper does not improve the situation
Curly hair should never be brushed
Who you know is usually more important than what you know
It's OK to change my mind
Sun bathing in New Zealand is a terrible idea (hole in the ozone layer = major sun burn)

What are the most important lessons you've ever learnt?

Posted by Bridey

Dance Songs That Cannot Be Resisted

You know which songs I'm talking about - those songs that you are simply powerless against. You could be hung over on a dreary Sunday morning, but then? You hear that songs and it's all dance party, all the time! You're unstoppable! The songs that overwhelm me with the urge to dance it out?

Missy Elliot - Gossip

Now, I don't actually know how to krump but that doesn't stop me from trying. Or strutting around my apartment sassing in time to this song and snarling into the mirror. And generally imagining I am much, much tougher than I am.

Madonna - Hung Up

There is so much to love about this song and video. Abba sample? Check. Pink tracksuit? Check. Intersecting plot lines? Check, y'all. I love this video so much I once wrote a blog post about how if I was reincarnated as a music video, I wanna be rocking out on the DDR machine along with Madge.

Outkast - Hey Ya
Whoa, blowing your mind with my originality, am I? I suspect that nobody with a pulse can resist this song. Once, I was in a tiny beach town in the south of Taiwan with a bunch of friends when this song came over the loudspeakers. We decided we had to re-enact some sort of teen movie music montage and dance down the steps of pub and into the street. And of course, I tripped, twisted my ankle and had to hobble back to the hotel by myself. Screw you, Andre 3000.

Scott Joplin - Maple Leaf Rag
What?! Yes. I think I've overcome my addiction to ragtime piano in my old age, but I spent the larger part of my youth galloping around the living room to the entirety of my parents' Scott Joplin collection. Thankfully, there was just the one album.

Bon Jovi - Livin' on a Prayer
This song calls for some serious fist pumping and headbanging. And if you can resist the urge to yell the chorus, you're probably dead on the inside. Also: this was my favorite song in first grade. Apparently I moved on from that ragtime faaaaassst.

What songs never fail to pull you onto the dancefloor?

Posted by Sarah Von

Things That Fill Me With Dread

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1) Unknowingly overdrawing my bank account, or the potential of doing so. Happened once in college, and I'm still not sure how. You are reading the words of a stingy miser.

2) The thought of knowing my parents and spouse will die. Sorry. It's terrible; I hope I go first.

3) When the hot water runs out in the shower...WITH SHAMPOO IN MY HAIR! When you just know you'll have to rinse with ice cold water. No good. No good.

4) Missing the school bus. Does anyone have these dreams? I still dream about missing the school bus, at the age I am now, and then having to tell my mom I need a ride to school. Dudes , I'm almost 30.

5) Public medical emergencies that involve anyone at anytime, send me to sheer panic. The thought of someone choking on their lunch makes me never want to eat in a restaurant filled with strangers ever again. What if the clerk at the department store strokes out or has a heart attack when I'm the only one around? It's just too much!

What scares you so much?

by Darcie

Top Five Favorite Summer Smells

1. The Grill. I love walking through my neighborhood at about 6 pm during the summer. All that charcoal, fire-y barbecued goodness...mmmm.

2. Chlorine. Even though it's a totally unnatural scent, the clean, sharp smell of the pool instantly relaxes me.

3. Freshly Mown Grass. I actually enjoy the smell a few hours after the grass has been cut, after it has baked in the sun for awhile and filled the air with sweetness.

4. Ocean+Suntan Lotion+Cigarette Smoke. The smell of the beach is a combination of nature, fake coconut and nicotine. I love to breathe in that goodness...there's nothing else quite like it.

5. Carnivals/Festivals/Fairs. Like the beach combo above, carnivals, festivals and fairs combine cow manure and hay, deep fried foods, the oil from rickety rides and the crush of humans and smoke. It is "summer" just for the price of a ticket.

What are your favorite summer smells?

Posted by The Naked Redhead

Best Costumes I've Seen

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Most people love the chance to dress up in amusing and/or outrageous costumes every now and then. Some of the best I've ever seen include:

Great White Shark Despite being deathly afraid of sharks, this is one of the best costumes ever. It was designed (by my mother) so that the wearer's arms fitted on each side of the jaw, enabling a chomping motion.
Bananas in Pyjamas This was even better since the two people who dressed up as B1 and B2 were twins. And that one of them lent me the mask/head for half of the night!
Mr 4 Square An iconic mascot for a New Zealand super market, I saw a group of people dressed up in this costume at Waitangi Day in London last year. Hilarious! (Probably more hilarious if you have a knowledge of kiwiana...)
Backwards Man Simple but effective, and the addition of an amusing song always makes a costume better!

What are the best fancy dress costumes you've ever seen, worn, or want to wear?

Posted by Bridey

Things I've Taught My Students

For five years, I've been teaching English as a Second Language, and for the last two years I've been teaching adults new to an English-speaking country. They've certainly taught me heaps (How to say "I'm tired" in Hmong, the merits of Shelly Senbei, how to rock at ping pong) and I've taught them a few things that weren't part of the curriculum. A sampling?

How to ride an escalator
Not to pick your nose in public
Who to call about an abortion
How to cast a fishing pole
Not to ask an American about their weight/age/income/religion
How to ride the bus
How to use a mouse (clue: putting it on your neighbor's desk and then dragging it two feet does not help at all)
Not to spit your sunflower seeds directly onto the carpet
That you need to wear shoes into stores

What did you learn from your teachers that wasn't in the syllabus?

Posted by Sarah Von

Things I Started, But Will Never Finish

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Laundry.

Dudes, laundry is never done. I sort of like doing laundry even, but when taunted with it's unending nature this domestic drudgery is a real downer.

Yardwork.

This task is one I'm actually thankful for. Those mower tracks? My bright red poppies? That pile of dying nasty unearthed weeds? The blisters and the dirt in my nail beds? All totally worth it for a lovely manicured backyard.

Dishes.

Duuuuuuudes, I hate dishes more than laundry. If the planet and needless wasting were not a concern I would definitely use disposable dishes for every meal. Note to self: price out dishwashers, you are almost 30.

Shaving My Legs.

When you were 12 or 13 or whatever and someone said to you, "You will shave your legs twice a week until you die, please think carefully about what you are about to do." Would you have put razor to calf skin? I would not.

A Handful of Knitting Projects.

You know, the ones that you started when the weather was frightful? And then said weather turned AWESOME!? Those projects, they will never get finished. At least not until it's cold again.

Growing Up.

'nuff said.

What never gets crossed off your To-Do List

Perfectly Normal Childhood Incidents That Have Scarred Me For Life

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1. Being pushed on the playground.

Oooo, damn you, Brad Collins! I was in fourth grade, and it was the first time anyone besides my little brother had been mean to me simply because he didn't like me. I still remember the little tyrant's face...

2. Nosebleeds.

I used to get nosebleeds a lot, but that wasn't so bad as when I had one so bad, my mom had to bring an extra change of clothes to school and...gulp...she brought me a dress WITH A BELT. No other third grade girls were wearing dresses with belts. Mortifying, really.

3. Eating all my vegetables.

My parents had a rule: "If you don't eat it for dinner, you eat it for breakfast." This threat was supposed to scare us into eating all our vegetables at the time they were served. Ugh...cold Brussels Sprouts before 8 a.m. are a damaging thing.

4. Learning how to drive stick shift.

My family operated under the, "Kids learn best when they are forced to learn quickly" principle. My parents made me learn to drive a stick shift all alone on The Ohio State University campus (to be fair, I did have to go to piano lessons, and my parents were both stuck at work). Guess how fun it is to parallel park in front of an audience of frat boys? IT'S NOT.

5. My first kiss.

My first kiss was decidedly awful, and I was afraid for years that all kissing would entail someone slobbering all over the lower half of my face.

What are your traumatic childhood memories?

Posted by The Naked Redhead

Three Words I Think Should Mean Something Else

Winona blogs the hilarious and fashionable over at Daddy Likey. She spends her days writing for National Geographic (no, really!) and her nights writing haiku's about chlamydia.

Nonplussed
I think “plussed” sounds like a synonym of “stressed” or “flustered,” therefore “nonplussed” should mean cool and collected.

Prolific
“Prolific,” to me, is a combination of “terrifying” and “sadistic.” So when I hear a phrase like, “Prolific writer,” I get frightened and offended.

Trollop
What a delicious little word that means such a horrible thing! I tend to think a trollop is a delicious edible—show me a “Summer Trollop Salad” on a menu and I’d order it without a second thought!

What words miss their mark with you?

Things I Would Change About Myself If I Could

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My apologies for the slightly macabre image! The "blogosphere" may be full of people telling us to embrace who we are, but everyone has a few things they'd like to change about themselves. Mine are:

I'd like wider feet so that I can shoe shop with ease! It would also make wearing heels far comfier as at the moment the small surface area of my exceedingly narrow feet gets sore very quickly.
I would like to be less clumsy please, so that I can carry something breakable without fear, or fry food without splattering oil up my arms!
I'd love to be able to eat anything I like and never put weight on (well, wouldn't most women?)
I'd like to be less forgetful, for example today I left my lunch, shopping bags and an important letter I need to post at home. It would also be nice to be able to remember things without covering my computer in post-its and my hands and arms in biro!
I'd like eyebrows that keep themselves tidy and legs that stay smooth of their own accord thanks!
I'd like more patience!

What would you change, if anything?