Secret Society of List Addicts: October 2010

Moments of Fail I'm blaming on Cosmic Weather

Are you guys aware of the solar storms flaring up in anticipation of the 2012 height of the 11-year solar weather cycle? I know what you're thinking: Who isn't? Japanese studies have shown (←watch how I don't cite them specifically, because I can't find them, but I did read about this in my Mom's All You magazine) that solar weather this month can cause irritability and heightened stress levels in human behavior. If my house were the test lab, the hypothesis would be confirmed.

Here's what I've been blaming on The Weather, if you will:

My son's inability to look my direction without throwing a tantrum. This morning, he tried to lock me in the bathroom. Just because.

My inability to quickly master driving stick shift. I know, it's sad that a 27-year-old doesn't know how. My goal is to go a whole day without stalling out.

The puppy peeing in the house four times yesterday. She hasn't done her naughties in the house in weeks.

Restless sleeping. You guys, I am a champion sleeper. I could take on a college freshman and possibly win. But the past couple weeks? Insomnia city. Ish.

How a Cinnabon contains like a zillion calories. This problem is ongoing, but why not throw it in?

Do you guys have any October moments of fail you'd like to blame on Cosmic Weather?

Posted by Erin of The Fierce Beagle

Stuff I Like About Myself

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I think it's always good to have a little check-in with one's self to see the things you like and the things you need to fix. Here's the stuff I like about myself lately:

1. My hair--It's gotten super long, and I've finally figured out how to handle all of it. Yay!
2. My work ethic--I've been putting a ton of effort into the things I really want, and letting go of the things that hinder me from getting there.
3. My new, "push through the shyness/awkwardness" attitude--I'm making new friends, lots of 'em, and even though sometimes I still feel a wee bit self-conscious, it's been cool to connect with people.

What about you? What stuff do you like about yourself lately?

Posted by The Naked Redhead

Things Even This Grumpy Old Curmudgeon Loves

There are things you like in life. There are things you love. And then there are things -- just little things -- that turn this often punishing world into an endless carnival of delight. Here are a few of mine:

The way only my sister can make me laugh until I'm in physical pain. Maybe it's because she has 24 years of practice, but nobody can make me laugh like my sister, until I'm gasping and cursing at her to stop.

A slice of really good pizza. The kind you get from little corner stores, that you have to fold over to fit in your mouth and that funnels a little stream of grease onto the paper plate below.

That moment of anticipation before a first kiss. Who knows what will come of it, but in those breathless, heady moments before anything happens, things are just too perfect to care one way or the other.

Laying outside in perfect weather and reading an amazing book. I like that this feels so extravagant. Here we are, already living in the best of all possible worlds, yet choosing to immerse ourselves in a fictional one instead. An embarrassment of riches that I embrace time and again.

The way my best friend gets more beautiful every time I see her. And we've been having the same mile-a-minute conversation since the day we met each other, six years ago. Every stretch of time we don't see each other feels like nothing more than a breath between thoughts. I guess that's how you know someone's going to be important to you forever, huh?

Huh, I tried to think of more, but it seemed greedy to even list that many. What makes your world perfect?

Posted by TKOG from Not That Kind of Girl.

Costumes I want to wear for Halloween, but am not creative enough to pull off

Halloween costumes are a tricky thing. Creatively, it’s a time to go nuts – come up with something super unique and cool. Realistically, if you are a woman, your prefab costumes are mostly relegated to the Slutty category: Slutty Nurse, Slutty Witch, Slutty Cat. I’ve fallen victim to that myself, tangentially, as Dead Madonna [“singer”, not Catholic Icon] [there, the Slutty is implied]. This year, I’m having a hard time coming up with something super neat and creative, non-slutty, and easy to pull off. Here are some ideas I’ve come up with.

Lady Gaga – Sure, me and everyone else. But you have to admire an entertainer who is such a presence that she inspires regular people to want to evoke signature moments in her career [Muppet dress, meat dress, weird red veil thing]. This is a step up from a few years ago, when everyone wanted to be Siegfried and Roy but only because Roy was attacked by that tiger. Sure, some of her stuff is revealing, but it's more arresting than prurient.

Mad Men – I must confess, I find this show almost enragingly dull. I’m convinced that the only reason people love this show is because of the beyond cool aesthetic and because everyone smokes and drinks at work, just like we all wish we could. Still, I’m taken by the smart, polished clothing and sleek hair, and would really love to pull off that look. At least for one day.

Katy Perry – Talk about topical. This would probably be the easiest to pull off – revealing dress, black hair and an Elmo doll, singing something catchy but banal. Still, this is a bit too close to the Slutty thing, and I’m thinking I might have to pass.

Chilean Miner – For the life of me, I can’t remember the lovely Twitter Friend who suggested this [because I am a bad, bad person]. I love this idea, though I’m not sure how to pull it off. I’m no fan of dirt. I’m not a runner, like that one miner. I don’t have a miner’s hat or even a pick ax. I guess I could stay home and pretend I’m trapped in the mine.

Looks like it’s back to being Stuff You Find Under the Couch for me [black top and pants, debris taped onto my clothing]. What are you going to be for Halloween? What was your most creative costume?

By Suniverse

Moments from the past for which I wish I could have a do-over

Aiming for a life free of regret is a pretty good goal, I think. There are a few occasions, though, I wish I could temporarily revisit with my present-day knowledge and temperament and self-assuredness so things might have turned out a bit better.

When my first boyfriend broke up with me. I cried, I told him I'd miss him, but the truth is I had planned on breaking up with him; he just got to it first. A little more nonchalance, or maybe having the lady-balls to go ahead and end it, would have been more true to myself.

Breaking up with my second boyfriend to go out with a total douche. My second boyfriend is the only guy other than my husband who I view as a totally stand-up guy, then and now. Although I highly doubt we would have been a matrimonial match, I really could have done without that douche.

Deciding against that road trip sophomore year of college. Tough to explain, so just take my word on it.

Choosing to get an MA instead of an MFA. I really enjoy the degree program I'm pursuing (writing and editing), but part of me thinks I didn't choose to apply for the MFA program because I was afraid of failure. If it were practical, I'd do both.

Not taking that Benadryl last night. Because I was still wide awake at 3 a.m.

Do any of you guys want a do-over?

Posted by Erin of The Fierce Beagle

Pandora Stations that Make Life Worth Living

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I'm pretty much addicted to listening to Pandora at work. Here are the stations that get me through the day:

My Ingrid Michaelson station--Soothing lady voices singing clever lyrics with beautiful piano, acoustic guitar and tight harmonies? Yes, please.

My Bitter:Sweet station--A little trip-hop, a little jazzy, just the right combo of fast/slow to power through a boring spreadsheet.

My Heart station--80's ladies ROCK!

My Adele station--A little bit like my Ingrid Michaelson station, but with more soul and a little funk.

My Julie London station--Kick-ass lady jazz singers from the past. Best listened to on days when I wear red lipstick to work.

What are your favorite Pandora stations? Do you have "must-listen-to" music for work?

Posted by The Naked Redhead

Conversational Missteps That Make Me Want To Hang Up On You In Real Life

As a dude whose two abiding interests are words and other people, it's natural that I spend something like 80% of my waking life in conversation with various friends, acquaintances and semi-strangers. With all that chatting, it's inevitable I'd run into a few selfish or uninteresting conversationalists. Here are a few rookie errors that'll send me scrabbling for an excuse to get out of the room next time you open your mouth:

Treating all curves in the conversation as unwelcome interruptions: The whole point of a conversation is that it's a living, changing organism that's given shape by two equally giving partners. It isn't an audition for the latest Mamet play, so spare me the monologues and melodramatics.

Ending a lackluster anecdote by assuring me, repeatedly: "It was soooooo funny!": If it's funny, I'm already laughing. Period.

Expecting me to remember the names of all of your friends: Unless it's pivotal to your story, I'd rather not listen to a twenty-minute dissertation on the difference between Jessica P. and Jessica H. In fact, I take this to the opposite extreme: unless it's a mutual acquaintance, I replace friends' names with bare-bones epithets (Gay Priest, Law-School BFF, The Ex, etc.) to give context without interrupting the narrative flow. Haven't heard a complaint yet.

"...but that's another story. I'll tell you in a minute!": Hold the friggin' phone, Aesop. Why don't we just finish this little tale before I decide whether I want to hear another?

People babbling so fast or ranting so hard they never let you get in a word: What's funny is, inevitably afterwards they'll flash you a starry smile and tell you what a great conversationalist you are. People, eh?

Obviously there's no such thing as a perfect conversation, but some are just beyond the friggin' pale. What conversational tics or faux pas really grease your griddle?

Posted by TKOG of Not That Kind Of Girl.

Hobbies I’m Never Actually Going to Take Up, So Let’s Just Stop Kidding Ourselves

Scrapbooking. I love taking pictures, and have promised myself that I’m going to take at least one photo a day [please don’t ask how that’s working out, okay?]. The problem is, I end up with a ton of great photos [if I do say so myself] and a lack of interest in putting them in some sort of creative archival setting. Every once in a while, I’ll put together an album for someone, but I usually procrastinate and do it when I’m crunched for time and then end up hating the process and wanting to stab people with those ridiculously patterned scissors. What’s wrong with pictures in plastic sleeves?

Exercising. Some people get a runner’s high, cruising on endorphins. Others love to push themselves to the limit, treating their bodies like machines. I like to pamper myself, and not get carried away with exertion. And when I do exercise? I hate every. damn. minute.

Painting. I have wasted a ridiculous amount of money on canvas, watercolor paper, sketch pads, books on technique, paint brushes, water color paints, and tempra paints. I have had the sense [thus far] not to splurge on oils, but it’s been a near thing. For all the money I’ve spent, for all the hours I’ve watched Giant Afro Painter Guy on PBS, I’ve still not produced a single painting. No, not a single decent painting. A single painting at all.

Cooking. I’ve heard of people who like to cook, who say it’s their hobby. These people are either liars or they don’t actually have to cook every day for sustenance. Because that shit will end any interest in cooking as a hobby.

What type of hobbies do you pretend to have? Which ones do you actually have?

Posted by Suniverse

Seven Things to Love About Live Concerts

Over at Turning Fails into Wins, Katryn (aka releasealittledemon) spends her time pointing out wins and ridiculing fails, with occasional ranting interspersed in between. If you happen to see a particularly winning win or heinous fail, or have strong feelings about either, you should let her know.

You have probably been to a live show of some type--cozy bar setting, arena-style rock 'n roll, outdoor venue (with or without copious amounts of mud)--and hopefully you had a good time. Here is a list of seven things I love about seeing musicians perform live.

1. You are not looked at strangely when you dance. I am one of those dance-in-the-car people, which has engendered strange looks from all sorts of other drivers (though the kids in car seats usually start boppin' right along with me). When you're at a live music event, it's not only OK to dance, sometimes it's expected and encouraged (see: Vampire Weekend).

2. You can wear your band t-shirt. The Backstreet Boys are getting together for a reunion concert? Break out that "I heart Nick Carter" tee from 1995 and rock it out. You're going to see the Dave Matthews Band for the 40th time? You know you want to wear the concert tee you got at your first show to prove you're a true fan.

3. It's LOUD. And your parents/roomates/officemates/carpoolers aren't pissed at you for cranking it up to 11.

4. You can meet other people. Presumably they like the music so you've already got something in common, and, I am of the opinion that people are more likely to want to talk to strangers when they are happy, so it's a perfect time to potentially make new friends and/or a +1.

5. You can ignore other people. Alternatively, it is perfectly acceptable to zone out and avoid all interaction except that which is between you and the music/musicians. No one will call you emo if you're standing alone in the crowd, swaying to the beat, enjoying yourself.

6. Endorphins. I'm no scientist, but there is a school of thought that says that music causes the brain to release endorphins making you feel better and more relaxed, and I am of the opinion that this effect is multiplied when the music is live. There's something about being in the same room with someone who is, right at that moment, making music happen that fills up your brain so you can only think about the music.

7. Souvenirs. Whether you pick up another tee or a CD or just keep your ticket stub, you've got something that says, "I was here, I experienced this," and the memories (and potential hearing loss) will stay with you.

What do you love or hate about live shows?

Books people are supposed to like but to which I say, Meh

Reading books keeps me ticking. But I'm ready to confess some of my sins when it comes to the Important Books of the World.

Blindness by Jose Saramago—Pulitzer? Okay. But. Meh.

The Sound and the Fury by William Faulkner—Call me a Philistine of an English major, but this is just one of those experimental breakthroughs I couldn't get into.

A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man by James Joyce—It certainly has some beautiful writing, and Joyce was truly a master, but I didn't feel very attached to Stephen Dedalus. Sue me.

I Know This Much Is True by Wally Lamb—If Oprah picked it, it's gotta be Important, right? And Lamb is the only author to be picked twice by Oprah. I've tried several times to dive into this enormous tome, and it just doesn't hook me.

What books do you say Meh to while the rest of the world is raving?

Posted by Erin of The Fierce Beagle

Technological Advances I’ll Probably Never Embrace

This is your brain on iPod

I’d say I’m pretty okay with technology. In fact, I’d say I know more than the average person my age (which is to say, “I got nothin’ on the 15 year olds, but I can teach my parents a thing or two about hooking up their computer”). But there are some parts of technology that I’m pretty “meh” about, and sorry, I’ll probably never use. Here are a few:

Foursquare--Broadcast my location anytime, anywhere? Nah, no thanks. Sometimes I just don’t want people to know where I am. Okay fine. MOST OF THE TIME I don’t want people to know where I am.

A killer sound system--Um, does it play the music and the sound? Can it make the music and the sound go louder or softer? Cool. Done.

A tiny movie screen that fits in the palm of my hand--I don’t want to watch movies on my phone. I don’t want to watch TV on my phone. I would like to text on my phone and ignore calls from my mother on my phone. That's it. (I don’t really ignore calls from my mother, but if I did, that’s all I’d do on my phone.)

A self-cleaning catbox--While this advance would be nice, these kind of catboxes are still not safe (my brother’s cat got caught in one. It was awful). And lord knows, with MY cats they’d be all like, “OH GOD, IT’S MOVING” and then pee on my fresh basket of laundry instead.

A super nice wine fridge--Why store your wine when you can DRINK it?

What technological advances do you not embrace?

Posted by The Naked Redhead

Seriously Gross Habits I'm Probably Never Going To Give Up

Every once in a while I find myself alone, sipping beaujolais in my apartment and wondering, "Dude, why aren't I an internationally ranked sex symbol?!" Then I remember who I am and just keep drinking. Even if I worked out eighteen hours a day in Louboutins and Alexander McQueen gym shorts, I could never get the job -- I'm like basically grosser than a frat-boy. A few of my most heinous habits:

Demanding details after other people Q-Tip their ears. I wish I could say this is a creepy little (non-sexual) fetish I keep to myself, but my proclivities are so well known that a few of my friends routinely text me pictures of their used Q-Tips.

Blowing my nose in the shower. Dude, that's the magic of the shower! You can do whatever you want in there and you'll still be clean afterwards! A little principle I like to call The Immaculate Congestion.

Constantly trailing blood in my wake. I honestly can't tell you why, but at any given time, there is a 95% chance you'll find at least one gently weeping wound somewhere on my person. The other day I told a friend, "Dude, I hope I never get AIDS" and she immediately cut me off: "I know! You bleed so much!" I'm basically a hazard to myself and others.

Bragging about how totally awesome I am at peeing. What? I'm just super good at it! (And if you're wondering how one can be good at peeing then, dude, we're just not even in the same league.)

So, is it official? Am I completely unqualified to be a human being? Or do you think with a few years of intensive charm school training I might be allowed to once again mingle freely with productive members of society?

Posted by TKOG from Not That Kind of Girl.

Words, Happenings and Events that Make Me Feel Really Friggin' Old

Sigh, nostalgia

I like being 30, I really do, but there are times when I hear, see, or do something where I'm like, "OMG, I'm an old crone." For instance:

The Goonies movie is TWENTY-FIVE friggin years old--Kill me now. It truly is an "oldie but a goodie."

Gwen Stefani--Anyone remember a little band called No Doubt? I do...my fourteen-year-old nephew doesn't, and he likes to ask me questions like, "Hey, um, have you ever, um, like heard of Gwen Stefani?" Yup, yup...I have. Her name still makes me feel like I'm walkin' on a spiderweb (leave a message and I'll call you back.)

Noise--Young people are just too loud with their hippity hop music and LOLZ and yelling. They hurt my old-ass ears.

80's Fashion--It's back in a big way...and I remember when it was here the first time.

High school boys--Now that I know that high school boys don't actually look like the boys from Glee (most high school boys are gangly and pimply and awkward looking, but hell, I didn't care when I was in high school...they were sOOO hot!) I can't BELIEVE the crushes I had back then. Seriously, take a look back at your crush in a yearbook (they're made of paper, those yearbooks) and just see what a goob he was. I dare you.

Anything make you feel old?

Posted by The Naked Redhead

Movies That Never Fail To Make Me Weep

One of the great pleasures of art is that it allows us to experience the full range of human emotion without ever exposing ourself to potential risks. And as a dude whose emotional boundaries come equipped with serious-firepower border control, I appreciate the opportunity to, every once in a while, settle in for a good, long weep. Here are a few films that never fail to do the trick.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind: I always start crying seventeen minutes in. And generally stop by sometime the following Tuesday.

The Godfather: It's not the best '70s gangster movie -- it's not even my favorite -- but the beautifully choreographed last half-hour reduces me to tears every single time. It's friggin' opera with bullets instead of words.

50 First Dates: Confession: I've actually cried at kind of a lot of Adam Sandler movies. And not just from how awful they are.

Love Story: If you walk anywhere within twenty feet of me while I'm watching this, your shirt's getting covered with snot and mascara and you're just going to have to like it. After all, Love Story means never having to say you're sorry.

Cool Runnings: They lull you in with the laughter, and then -- oh frig, I can't even talk about it.

What movies make you want to buy stock in Kleenex? And, so it doesn't keep you up at night, my official Adam Sandler cry-count: The Wedding Singer, Mr. Deeds, Spanglish, and Big Daddy (twice). Should I -- should I see a doctor about this?

Posted by TKOG from Not That Kind Of Girl.

How to be a Good Tourist

Karolina is a university student from Kraków, Poland. Apart from making lists and travel, she loves art, reading, taking pictures and other cliché but fun pastimes. Recently, she has started a blog at www.faerylandsforlorn.wordpress.com.

As I live in the historic centre of a city that is a huge tourist attraction, I encounter throngs of tourists every day. There are noisy school trips, stressed out businesspeople, jetlagged Australians and retired people spending their children’s inheritance. There are drunken British stag-partiers, sober families and exchange students (sober or otherwise). Whenever I can, I take a holiday from the aforementioned encountering and become a tourist myself. Wherever I go, I try to behave just as I would wish most visitors to my city to behave. Here are some basic rules to remember in order to fully enjoy your trip without being a nuisance to the locals.

Do some research: Whether you’re going to Spain, Japan, Croatia or Argentina, please take the time to learn at least the Wikipedian minimum about your destination country’s (town’s, state’s, etc.) history and traditions. This will help you during your sightseeing (who’s that Garibaldi chap who has a monument in most Italian cities? Why do those chaps in Spain walk in those funny hats?) and during conversations with the natives.

Be respectful to other cultures, traditions and religions: You might not understand or approve of some customs, but others may not necessarily find yours so good either. When visiting cities you will probably see some churches, mosques, temples or other houses of worship. Whether you’re religious or not, please try to dress and behave respectfully. No gum chewing, kebab eating (yes, I saw a guy eating a kebab in a church), phone-chatting and football playing inside any such place. If you’re visiting a mosque, wear clean socks; if you’re visiting a church and are male – take off your hat.

Don’t be afraid to ask: If you are not sure how to behave or what the procession/monument/sign is all about – don’t be afraid to ask. Most people are friendly and are willing to help.

Watch your tongue: Especially you, English speakers. Nowadays, at least in Europe, most people can understand you, while you usually don’t have this advantage. It is funny how some foreigners talk as if only they understood their language, while other people laugh or are annoyed by their loud descriptions of their gastric troubles. Here in Poland most people under fifty speak English, and many can understand French, German or Italian as well, not to mention other Slavic languages. BTW, I must say I've enjoyed some of the things I eavesdropped on tourists. Once I overheard a US (hopefully) off-duty detective describing the methods of spotting the most dangerous individuals to his Brazilian friend.

Remember that you represent your country abroad: We may not like it, but people usually stereotype and judge others. If you behave loudly, disrespectfully etc., those traits might be attached by the bystanders to your nationality. Would you like to hear your people called annoying drunkards who pee all over monuments? (I’m looking at you, “Joe’s best man”.) On the other hand, if you behave well, you’ll make a positive impression. (Hello, cool Egyptian sisters with whom I shared a laugh over coffee.)

What other suggestions do you have, fellow travellers?

Fantastically inappropriate responses to fictitious scenarios involving my arch-nemeses

Have you ever met someone without a filter? Not even people who have purposefully removed The Filter, but someone who just has no tact? It's hilarious on The Office, but so so obnoxious in real life. However, in my imagination I often like to remove the filter and come up with fictitious scenarios in which I am a total an unabashed bitch to the people who function as spasmodic pains in the derrière of my life. Here are some of my favorites.

To an innocent "How are you?" from a typically sour coworker: "Ugh, I was doing good, but being around you gives me the farts."

To the grouchy cashier at the grocery store, asking paper or plastic: "I guess paper, since last time when I brought my reusable bags you told me they smell like cat urine."

To my neighbor, who leaves his trash can at the curb all. week. long: I believe a flaming bag of dog doo on his front step would speak louder than words.

What would you say to your arch-nemeses if morality and courtesy were a non-issue? Go on, let 'er rip!

Posted by Erin of The Fierce Beagle