Secret Society of List Addicts: February 2010

Ladies I'd invite to my tea party

Ever since I recieved a lovely, hand-painted French tea set for a wedding gift, I've dreamed of hosting a tea party. Only this one wouldn't be stuffy. However, it would still feature finger sandwiches. Of the top of my head, here's who I'd invite:

Helene Cixous — The feminst theorist who wrote this: "The future must no nonger be determined by the past. I do not deny that the effects of the past are still with us. But I refuse to strengthen them by repeating them, to confer upon them an irremovability the equivalent of destiny, to confuse the biological and the cultural."

Eleanor Roosevelt — The first lady who said this: "Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people."

Harriet Tubman — The "Moses" of the Underground Railroad. Not only did this woman have the guts to escape slavery, she went back into enemy territory numerous times to lead others to freedom.

Susan B. Anthony — The once self-conscious woman who worked up the nerve to say this in 1859: "Where, under our Declaration of Independence, does the Saxon man get his power to deprive all women and Negroes of their inalienable rights?"

So, who would you like to have a cup of tea with?

So Bad It's Good--Food Edition

photo

Since I have been feeling a little under the weather lately, I've been craving really crappy food. And by crappy, I mean DELICIOUS. But also fatty. And disgusting. But DELICIOUS. Here are a few random samplings of my favorite "So Bad It's Good" food:

McDonald's "Chicken" Nuggets--I don't eat bird, pig or cow anymore, but man, these little salty cardboard nuggs have been taunting me like the not-sure-if-it's-meat morsels they are. (Don't worry, Chickens, I haven't given in.) And then, the barbecue sauce? Oh, the dreams I've had...the dreams I've had.

"Gourmet" Sandwiches--You know the kind...the oil of whatever cheese or dressing product you've doused the sandwich in has sunk through both the paper wrapping and the bag. Afterwards, you feel like your entire face is an oil slick. And yet, somehow, the five minutes of pure food-high bliss is worth it.

GIANT Burritos--Sure, that burrito may be made of healthy stuff (lettuce! Black beans! Fresh salsa!) but eating that healthy stuff five pounds at a time? YES, PLEASE.

Hole-in-the-Wall Breakfasts--Yeah, you know the kind. You're pretty sure that not just the spoons are greasy, but also your table, chair, juice cup and short order cook. But oh, those "hash browns". They're "hash browns" in the loosest sense of the word, because really, you're eating a huge, mouth-watering pile of fried potato shavings smothered in a pound of other heart-stopping ingredients. And that's just your side dish...you haven't even started on the dinner plate sized pancakes yet.

The Sh*t Disk--Oh, you don't know what the Sh*t Disk is? Go to Taco Bell and order one and they'll give you a "Crunch Wrap Supreme". Whatever, it's a tasty, tasty Sh*t Disk. YUM.

What are your "So Bad It's Good" food favorites?

Posted by The Naked Redhead

Ways I Cheer Myself Up When Life Is An Unrelenting Suckfest

Say all you want about sunshine in the air and the healing power of positive thinking, but every once in a while a girl just has the kind of day that makes her crawl under her desk and cry three times before noon. Here are my best methods at cheering myself up during those unrelenting suckfests:

Read something fantastic. Save the Kant for when you're trying to impress girls on the bus -- I'm talking about something funny, delightful and deeply comforting. My usual prescription is a few thousand words of Wodehouse, Roald Dahl or any Playboy humor anthology. Cure especially responsive when taken in conjunction with a slice of pumpkin bread or mug of hot cocoa.

Turn on the TV and repeat everything in an Italian accent. You just really need to try this. Preferably with a partner.

Give a stranger a compliment. Sadness is just as self-involved as joy is expansive -- and sometimes all you need to do to break the spell is remember that other people out there are having crappy days as well. For a mid-day break, sometimes I run to the convenience store across the street to buy a soda and, while I'm there, look the cashier right in the eye, compliment her earrings, ask about her day and actually listen. Maybe it's just the power of pretending to be happy or the knowledge that unlike most customers you're not a huge jerkface, but this psych-up can be pretty dang effective.

Set a timer for 20 minutes and spend the whole time tackling that chore you've been dreading for weeks. Start filing your taxes, tackle that teetering mound of dishes, attack the flagged emails in your inbox -- whatever that little chore is that nags at you all week. You can stop as soon as the timer goes off, but by that time, you might be so into it that you just finish the whole deal. And it's amazing how quickly crossing off even part of a dreaded task can alleviate soul-eating anxiety.

Throw a friggin' tantrum. Because, dude, sometimes you've got to. When I got frustrated while complaining about my day to The Ex, at least twice a week I used to throw myself on the bed, flailing around and ripping off the sheets, letting all my built-up exasperation come shrieking out. This is seriously therapeutic for the three minutes before you realize how idiotic you look. And by then, you're already laughing your ass off. Feels better, huh?

As you might be able to tell, I had a kind of lousy day at work yesterday. What little tricks do you guys use during those days that make you want to punch a kitten in the muzzle?

Posted by TKOG from Not That Kind Of Girl.

My favorite sweets

photo

Well, ladies and gents. I've given up meat for Lent. Which naturally means I'll be consuming way too much junk food to make up for the sacrifice. Here are my faves:

Galaxy/Dove chocolate. Didja know that Dove chocolate is exactly the same as that fabulous British confection?

Apple O's. You know them—the electric green and white jelly rings that look and taste nothing like apples.

Cinnabons. If you don't live in a place where Cinnabons are readily available, my condolences.

Praline ice cream. I'm not a big fan of nuts in sweets, but coat them in carmelized sugar and I'm game.

Okay, so maybe I only dream of all this junk food. I'm feeling a bit diabetic at the thought of it. But it's nice to pretend like you're on your way to Willy Wonka's from time to time.

So what're your favorite sweets?

Stuff I Think is Cute on Other People but Would Look Terrible on Me

photo

PS--see all these cute vintage fashions at liebemarlene vintage, one of my favorite vintage fashion blogs!

Remember when Jessica Simpson wore those mom jeans? She probably though they looked super cute on a 6' model with no butt or hips and then tried to put them on her own gorgeous, curvy frame. FAIL. Fortunately for me, I've (mostly) learned what does and doesn't look good on me...but that doesn't mean I'm not envious of the girls who can pull off certain looks like a breeze. Here are a few I'm particularly chartreuse with envy about:

1. Cute little pixie cuts. Have you SEEN how adorable Carey Mulligan and Ginnifer Goodwin are with their boy cuts? I, on the other hand, would look completely ridiculous in one of those haircuts. And if you don't believe me, I'll be happy to show you my 7th grade picture.

2. Leggings. I always think the girls that wear leggings and big sweaters look so cozy and comfy and fit. Sigh...first of all, I'm way too old for leggings. Second, my butt will not allow it. Third, I look ridiculous.

3. Strapless, non-sweetheart neckline dresses. Renee Zellweger is queen of these, and she always looks fantastic. Curse you, wider shoulders and flat chest! Anytime I try on an adorable little sheath dress, I instantly look more like a man. I'm pretty sure my voice even gets deeper and I suddenly sprout hair on my butt. Attractive, no?

4. Effortless, hippie/boho-chic style. Oh, those flowy skirts and light airy tops. I look homeless in them.

5. Drop-waist anything. I love the vintage girl that can pull of an adorable sailor dress. Alas, this is one girl that needs to define her waist, not her hips.

What do you think looks cute on other people?

Posted by The Naked Redhead

Phrases I'd Be Okay Never Hearing Again

I love words. Love 'em on their own, mainlining them dictionary-style; love them in novels, gchats, billboards. Sometimes when people talk to me, I don't even try to make sense of their sentences -- just let the phonemes wash over me while I gurgle in delight. I'd say I'd never met a word I didn't like, but, I mean, dude, look at all the dogs on this list.

"that made me throw up in my mouth a little": I know, dude, this phrase was funny the first time you heard it, on those "Dodgeball" previews back in aught-four. It was still funny the first couple of times you threw it in conversation. But six years later, the carnage has got to end. Now, everyone says it non-friggin'-stop: babies, grandmas, sex robots. Make it end.

"Do you want me to be honest or do you want me to be nice?": Thanks for asking, but I see you've chosen the rogue third option. By using this phrase, you pack in all the meanness of a brutally honest "you suck!" with the bonus insincerity of letting us know you're prepared to lie about your answer. Man, no wonder I chose you as my confidant!

Snarky: Used in its original sense ("disrespectful or snide"), snarky and I have no beef. The problem is that most people use it to mean "funny" and feel no shame in liberally applying it to themselves. I don't care what synonym you use to do it: referring to yourself as funny is a horrifying breach of conversational etiquette. If your quips are truly snarky, rest assured, you will know by our applause. And/or re-tweets.

"No offense, but...": Hold the phone. So what you're telling me is -- because you preface a statement by telling me not to be offended, I am no longer allowed to be offended by whatever terrible revelation or judgment comes next?! You can tell people how they're not allowed to respond to stuff you do? If so, this is the greatest legal loophole since the Twinkie defense! "Don't sue me, but I just drunk-drove into a school bus." Hey Johnny Cochran. Call me.

"But that's a story for another time": This sounds more like a threat than anything else. Look, Aesop, why don't you just get to the end of this story before I decide whether I want to hear another one of your tales.

Okay, spill, kittens. What's been greasing your linguistic griddles lately?

Posted by: TKOG from Not That Kind Of Girl.

Bad Habits

Photo Credit

We all have them, those habits we really should try to put right, but we either enjoy them too much or they're just too difficult to beat! These are my top 5:

Caffeine - As a substitute for sleep, or just for fun, I love caffeine in it's many delicious forms! Energy drinks, good old fresh-brewed coffee, caffeinated sweets, I adore them all!
Boredom-Eating - I think my brain must have difficulty differentiating between not having enough to do and not having enough to eat, because when I have time on my hands I snack compulsively!
Nail-Biting - It's gross, it makes my nails look ugly and means my nailpolish always chips within a few hours of being applied, but I've done it since I was a small child and no amount of vile-tasting concoctions seem to stop me.
Retail Therapy - If I'm stressed, I spend money, which in turn leads me to get stressed about my lack of funds... (eBay is particularly therapeutic)
Letting my Roots Show - I love having freshly-dyed hair, but I hate dying it! Thus I can often go weeks with ridiculously long roots before I finally give in and spend 30 minutes with my head slathered in vile-smelling red gloop.

I have never smoked however, which I think makes up for it!

What are your bad habits?

Things I won't miss about work

As many of you know, this is my very last day at work. I'm taking an indefinite sabbatical to pursue a master's, take care of my boy, and write. Naturally I've been daydreaming about all the things I won't miss about the rat race.

A forced morning routine. I love sleeping. I also love doing my hair and makeup, but not within minutes of waking up. I so look forward to easing into the day at my leisure.

Public bathrooms. I hated public bathrooms when I lived in a dorm, as well. Because, if we're being honest, who doesn't prefer to do their #'s in the privacy of their own throne room?

Concern about sneezing and coughing fits. What's worse than hacking up a lung in the middle of a meeting? Or blowing your schnoz in a shared office? At home, I can go for the gusto.

Passive aggressive memos. When there's food spillage in the microwave or stinky egg salad in the fridge, I only have ~~myself~~ the hubs to blame.

A controlled schedule. Just when college lulls you into believing you can skip out on class when something important comes up, you go back to the days of getting your mom to write you Excuse Notes for work. Okay, not really. But being able to go to the doctor or the dentist or the store without asking permission? Ahh, sweet freedom.

What could you give up about work in a heartbeat?

Boys I Totally Crushed on for Years Even though They Were Unattainable (and Completely Wrong for Me)

photo

Hey! It's almost Valentine's Day! Awesome! So, when I was younger (um, ok, all the way up until I was 27), I used to fall hard to stupid boys that were emotionally unavailable and completely wrong for me. That didn’t stop me from pining away for hours over the love I thought they should have given me (or the love I imagined they gave). Here they are, in order of age:

J. M.—Even at the age of 5, he was a lady-killer. Round, blonde, and full of mighty strength for pushing others down on the playground. What a little rebel.

E. S.—Brown curly hair, puppy dog eyes, and the fastest boy in 2nd grade. I loved him for years.

C. C.—This boy was the star of the high school basketball team, a total jerk, insecure, indecisive, liked me one minute, absolutely hated me the next…but who could resist those baby blues?

C. R.—My first “grown-up” crush on a MAN. He was three years older than I and built like a brick sh*t-house. He was chivalrous, kind, enjoyed my company, thought I was funny, then fell in love with someone else. Probably the hottest guy I’ve ever hung out with…seriously, he was the kind of hot that other guys thought was hot. Yum.

B. W.—Never try to date someone only a few weeks after a divorce. He can be the nicest, awesomest guy in the world and YOU WILL FRIGHTEN HIM. Just sayin’…

Is there someone you totally crushed on for years even though they were unattainable (or completely wrong for you)?

Posted by The Naked Redhead

Euphemisms That Sound Worse Than The Thing They're Euphemizing

Er, that's "euphemizing," not "euthanizing," kids, 'cause lord knows the word euthanasia sounds better than "killin' a dude". Although less good than "pre-paying his ticket on the 5:15 Morphine Excess!" Here are a few alleged euphemisms that make me cringe far more than the real terms.

Ladykiller: The type of term used by grandmas, talking about a boy who's going to be a real Don Juan. Problem, Grams: it's not enough that the kid is going to seduce and break the hearts of scores of women, but we want him to physically murder and dismember them too?! Romantic fail.

Tooting: This cutesy term for farting brings to mind nothing more than the reedy squawp of a badly tuned oboe. So basically -- your farts are so loud that not only do they bring to mind an orchestra, but one with room for an obscure and universally despised instrument like the oboe?! Reel your flatulence into jazz-quartet status, then we'll talk.

Aunt Flo came to town: Aunt Flo, for starters, doesn't sound like some prim little spinster -- it's the name of a decidedly burly, unkempt woman (apologies to all you Florences out there). And you want us to imagine she's coming out of your vagina?! Actually, all euphemisms for "princess time" (shudder) sound worse than simply saying you have your period. Except my personal favorite: Mother Nature's Bat Mitzvah.

In the family way: If you think this is a euphemism, then you obviously haven't met my family.

Fluffy: This might be a regional thing, but where I come from, sometimes people use the word "fluffy" to politely hint that someone is fat. Objection: Once you say this, not only do I know you're fat, but now it also sounds like you're blanketed with a tangled thicket of all-over body hair. What, were you too Rubenesque to find a razor that would do the full job?!

The Big C: My respects and sympathies to people who do use this term for cancer -- god knows cancer is a difficult thing to talk about. But calling it The Big C makes it sound like an aging radio show host, or a cut-rate WWF fighter wearing bedazzled cut-offs. Sadly, guys, I don't think we can embarrass cancer into curing itself.

And don't even get me started on all the euphemisms for masturbating and dying! What euphemisms do people use that make you shout TMI? Discuss in the comments section!

Posted by TKOG of Not That Kind of Girl.

Best Fictional Couples Ever

Now that it's the month of Over-Wrought Romantic Pronouncements, let's all have a think about those couples that bring tears to our eyes and inferiority complexes to our hearts. I bet Gomez never bought Morticia a subscription to Consumer Reports for her birthday!

Lizzy Bennet and Mr. Darcy
Of course. Of course! The passion! The matching of wits! His quietly smoldering love for her and her sweet snarkiness. Also: who doesn't want to make out with Colin Firth?

Morticia and Gomez Adams
Sure, they're creepy and kooky and altogether ooky, but damn it if they're not total BFFs who also happen to have the hots for each other. They work together as a team whether they're facing off against impostor relatives or gold-digging girlfriends. So.damn.cute.

Robert Kincaid and Francesca Johnson
If your heart didn't break a little when you read your mom's copy of The Bridges of Madison County, you are dead on the inside. A transplanted Italian farm wife yearning for more than her stolid husband can provide and a quiet, free-spirited photographer? Oh my, be still my heart.

Frances 'Baby' Houseman and Johnny

M.A. thesises have probably been written on exactly why we all love this couple so much. She's sweet, smart and not the traditional hottie. He's dead sexy and misunderstood. And somehow together they work. Nobody puts Baby in a corner, indeed!

Who are your favorite fictional couples?

Posted by Sarah Von

Everyday Things I'm Really Bad At

1, 2, 3, 4

Poaching Eggs - No amount of vinegar, stirring the water really fast or any other tricks can help me, I can't poach eggs without a dedicated egg poacher. They always turn into an over / undercooked stringy mess.
Waking Up - I'm really not a morning person, no matter how much I try and train myself to be or how many hours of sleep I get the night before. I'm beginning to think my brain simply doesn't work before 12.
Ironing Clothes - I always seem to manage to iron in more and bigger creases than were there when I started.
Grocery Shopping - I almost always forget something and come home with four or five impulse-purchases I don't need instead.
Timekeeping - I'm always either horrendously early (so I get bored) or "fashionably" late. I barely ever get somewhere precisely on time!

What everyday skills elude you?

Things I've never done but should have

photo

Intrepid young women, such as our very own Ms. Von and That Kind of Girl, have incited a revolution of Doing New Things. But I recently realized that there are quite a few things I've never done for which there is no excuse.

Sledding—After living for five years in Chicagoland area? And two snow storms this season covering the giant hill in my backyard in North Carolina? I am shamed.

Eating at an Indian restaurant—In high school, I was one of three white girls at an all-Indian graduation party that featured incredible, authentic homemade Indian food. Now, I live just a few miles from a supposedly fabulous Indian restaurant, but I've never gone. What a waste!

Visiting a North Carolina beach—I've lived in this state for four years. And I love the beach! Tut, tut.

Camping—Okay, I've technically been camping three times, but they were all at lame campsites. We have a three-season tent and cozy sleeping bags and nearby access to awesome wilderness, but I have yet to camp at a "primitive" site, read: no potties, no nearby RVs, etc. But I want to!

Seeing the UNCSA's annual Nutcracker performance—I love The Nutcracker. My friend Costume Diva's parents both teach there. Sigh.

Meeting David Sedaris—I was there, and I was so close, but so far. Read about that tragedy here and here.

What about you guys? Any ridiculous things you should've done but haven't?

Favorite Guilty Pleasures

photo

I'm sure we've written on this topic on List Addicts before, but I was especially mindful of my own guilty pleasures as I downed a beer this evening while watching American Idol. See? Guilty pleasures. Also:

1. Really Expensive Tomato Soup--I've just discovered an organic brand at my grocery store. It's a ridiculous $5 a pop (as opposed to the much cheaper can of Campbells) and I looooove it. Yum.

2. Gossip Magazines--Once a week, I take my lunch break at the local library and catch up on my weekly gossip rags. Seriously, I couldn't care less about Brangelina, but I can ESCAPE when I'm reading that smut. It's nice.

3. MTV--Yes, I'm too old, and yes, it's mostly show after show of train wreck upon train wreck, but I do loves it. Yes I do.

4. Big Breakfasts--Ooohh, I heart a big breakfast. I probably shouldn't eat a giant breakfast as often as I do, but it's sort of become an unofficial weekend tradition. We try to go somewhat early, before the hangover crowd, and it's so lovely to wake up slowly over steaming cups of coffee along with eggs and hot sauce and maybe pancakes...or potatoes...or toast. Mmmmm...

5. Marathons--Oh no, ew, not the RUNNING kind. Gross. I mean like the ANTM kind, the Real Housewives kind or the endless HGTV kind. Many a wonderful Saturday has been spent alternating between housework and naps on the couch to the tune of the same show for hours.

What's your guilty pleasure?
Posted by The Naked Redhead

Appallingly Rude Things I Do When Left Alone In Your Room

A strike-list -- in approximately chronological order -- of what I'm doing in your room while you stupidly wander off to take a shower. aka: an itemized account of why no one should have a one-night stand with me ever ever ever.

Vanity searching my name on your Gmail. Guess you probably should have logged out of your account, huh?

Going through your bookshelf. What's this, sir? The spine of your Portable Dorothy Parker isn't even lightly worn? And you seem to be using it to hide a dog-eared copy of The Da Vinci Code?! Tsk, tsk.

Checking the sizes of your clothes. This is such a terrible thing to do that I cannot defend it. But you know next time you're alone in a frenemy's room, you're going to try it too.

Rifling through your underwear drawer. While I'm already in your chest of drawers, no harm in pawing around to see if I can uncover old lover letters, a Vicodin stash, or a few -- ahem -- artsy photographs of you and your ex.

Pulling a tape measure out of my purse to measure the square footage of your bedroom. Yes, I do actually carry a tape measure; no, this is not its sole (or even most common) use. Still, if you've ever lived in a 200-square-foot microstudio, you too know the joy and sorrow of becoming a recreational real estate appraiser.

You ... you guys do all this stuff too, right? It's not just me? Discuss your most horrible house-guest habits in the comment section to make me feel less like a creeper.

Posted by TKOG from Not That Kind of Girl.

The Airline Travel Packing List

Aury is an 18 year old college girl who blogs about fashion,lifestyle and discovering your inner creative spirit on her blog An Ordinary Girl’s World: Fashion, Love, Life. She loves bows, butterflies and sunny days. As a result of her dad’s career, her has changed house, school and country more times than she could conceivably count.

1. Toned down make-up routine
Try to go for the more natural look, especially with regards to eye make-up, because after long flights it tends to smudge horribly resulting in the infamous ‘raccoon’ look. Mineral foundation, lip gloss and/or lipstick and light eye-makeup (sans heavy eyeliner and dark eye-shadow) with light perfume seem like a safe bet.

2. Simple but sustainable hairstyle
Recycled air (commonly found in confined spaces such as planes and buses) can wreak havoc on anyone’s hair. It can make it go lifelessly limp or ridiculously frizzy under the right (or in this case oh-so-wrong) conditions. This is why I tend to opt for easier to manage styles that can be touched up in the bathroom upon arrival at your destination.

3. Wear flats
Honestly, it doesn’t even matter if you claim you were born wearing stilettos, when travelling please opt for stylish flats. I mean aside from the fact that it is really hard to run on the slippery airport floors in them, heels just don’t compare when looking for comfort and comfort is key when travelling. If you really can’t let go (and I understand), pack your heels into your carry-on luggage and change as soon as you’ve arrived.

4. Carry a large but styling tote
To put the stuff you need to be able to reach quickly.

5. Dress in loose fitting tops or dresses (like tunics) and cute leggings/tights or tailored pants. Avoid tight, body-con like outfits so as to encourage and freedom of movement.

6. Dress in natural fabrics like cotton, silk or cashmere because they are less likely to crease and therefore keep you looking fabulous even after an eight hour flight.

7. Don Audrey Hepburn-style dark sunglasses
It adds instant glamour to your outfit and hides dark circles and red eyes. Can’t ask for much more than that.

8. Simple but key accessories
Depending on where you’re going and how you’re getting there, a scarf, a cute sweater, and simple but fabulous jewellery may be in order.

9. Toiletry Kit
A hair brush or comb, travel-sized toothpaste and a toothbrush, travel-sized perfume, hand sanitizer, capsule make-up kit, moisturizer and lip gloss

What do you always pack?